Adjusting Your Expectations

#RDBlog Week 2019

Expectations. We all have them. We have hopes and dreams, as well as plans for turning them into reality. But what happens when you get hit with a chronic, incurable illness like rheumatoid disease? It is so easy to feel shattered, as if all your hopes and dreams have flown right out the window.

Five years ago, I went to my dermatologist to find a treatment for rosacea and ended up with a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. Boy, did I not see that coming! Well, okay, the truth is that I absolutely saw it coming...for at least six months before I got the results of my blood work. My hands hurt every night and I hobbled across the floor each morning, struggling with each painful step. I knew something was not right, but I definitely did not want to hear those two dreaded initials: RA.

My life, five years into having RA, is definitely different than it was before. It's better.

I cried when I got the news. And when I read the material the doctor handed me about treatments and the long-term ramifications of RA, I cried even more. What about the plans I had for my life? What about the hopes and dreams I shared with my husband of just four months? I thought that life as I knew it was over. And you know what? It was. My life today is not what it was then. It's better.

If you didn't catch what I just said, listen up, because it's the truth: My life, five years after my rheumatoid disease diagnosis, is better than it was. Is it perfect and pain-free? No, it is not. Am I in remission? Nope.

The simple difference between then and now is that I have adjusted my expectations.

Prior to developing RA, I was working on obtaining and maintaining a "beach body." I was working out hard and dieting to get down to my ideal body. It was hard, but I was doing it. What I couldn't figure out, however, was why I was so very, very tired every day and it was getting worse. Little did I know that the fatigue of RA was beginning to set in. I felt like a wuss. I was stressed out trying to get my body to measure up to what I thought I should be capable of. And when I couldn't keep up the pace and the weight began to creep back on, I felt like a failure.

Today, I weigh 30 pounds more than I did when I achieved my "ideal" weight. Do I love that? No, of course I don't! Here's the deal, though. I have learned over the past five years that my identity is not tied to a number. It is not tied to the weight on the scale or the size of my clothes. I am ME and I have come to know myself in a deeper way since having RA and I have come to like myself for who I am. That is a gift that I would not have if it were not for living with my disease.

It would not be fair to skip over the struggles to get here, and to talk about the other expectations I have had to adjust. With regards to my diet and exercise program, I have learned there are things I can and can't do with RA, and there are things I can and can't control.

I CAN overcome my tendency to be a couch potato in order to be healthier. I can get up and walk around my neighborhood or the mall, and I can take the stairs instead of the elevator. I can limit myself to a 65-calorie mini chocolate bar as an evening treat and skip the dessert tray or a full-size package of candy. Those are things I can control...and they can make a difference. I could not do much aerobic activity after shoulder surgery, however, and being couch-bound for even just six weeks packed on some pounds. So did taking Prednisone. Even my migraine medication had weight gain as a side effect. And those "beach body" workouts I used to do? All those do now is to put me in a flare that will set me back even more. Can I still kayak, hike, and exercise? You bet. But "easy does it" has become my mantra. Look back in my blog and you'll see I even hiked the Grand Canyon a couple of years ago! I just knew to adjust my expectations and to not push myself beyond my limits.

I can't control everything RA does to my body, and so I have found my best way to deal with it is to accept the best version of myself, whatever that looks like.

Accepting what you can and cannot control is part of life. Even if I didn't have RA, I can't control everything and everyone around me. My daughter is a teenager now. Need I say more? Perhaps that's why the oldest saying in the book is this: "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans!" None of us can say for certain what our lives will look like in five, ten or twenty years ... or heck, even next week! So for me, I have found the best way to live is one day at a time.

As far as my body goes, I am not where I used to be, before I got hit with RA. But I am nowhere near where I feared I might be, either. My medications have been effective, with few side effects, and I am still mobile. If I ever am disabled by RA, though, I will be prepared. I think about accessibility in our current home and the one we eventually plan to build. I occasionally think about learning voice recognition software, in case my hands begin to give me more trouble.

I have learned to listen to my body so I don't end up in a flare. And those naps I used to feel like a "wuss" if I took? Today, I know that when my body says it's time to rest, I make no apologies. With RA, self care is of utmost importance, including the need to say "no" to doing too much.

Adjusting expectations isn't just an RA thing. It's a life skill. We all change, from the day we are born until the day we die. The way to deal with it is through acceptance. How do I accept the changes I don't like? That is where I have to reach beyond the physical to the spiritual for answers. My faith is what helps me navigate the roller coaster of life with RA. You see, this is what God tells me:

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

When I keep those words in mind, it is easier to adjust my day-to-day expectations. Because in the big picture, my expectation is that everything will work out just fine.

Peace, love and joy to you today.

Linda

Adjusting Your Expectations originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook. 

Embracing Joy

"Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!" - Nehemiah 8:10

Don't let my smile fool you; I am not a naturally happy person.

Neither a sunny optimist nor a depressed pessimist, I am a realist. Unfortunately, reality doesn't often match up with my highest hopes and dreams. And knowing that fact, as evidenced too many times in my life, makes it hard for me to stay up in the clouds of excitement for very long.

When I was first diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), I was relieved to hear that my case was considered mild. After reading up on my disease, however, I quickly learned that it was a progressive disease and couldn't help but begin thinking about "what ifs." What if it gets worse? What if the medicines make me sick or cause me to lose my hair? What if they don't work at all? What if, what if, what if.

It is no wonder that Philippians 4:6 became my favorite Bible verse very early on...by the age of about nine, actually. "Do not worry about anything..." it begins. Yeah right, said Little Miss Worry Wart. "Instead pray about everything." Okay, I will try that, I thought. And so I did.

Healing from Within: Turning Away from Toxicity

"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." - Colossians 3:2

What if I were to tell you that there is a way to start healing your body immediately, without any drugs or special diets? Would you try it?

There isn’t anyone I know, especially within the chronic illness community, who wouldn't say yes. We are all longing for something to make us feel better.

The burden of chronic illness is not apparent to those outside of our world. We may look fine on the outside, and may even be able to perform our daily activities as if we were not ill. But those of us who have lived with illness day after day, year after year, know the burdens we carry. They are not light. There is a heaviness in our hearts, knowing that we will never get well.

As our symptoms come and go, and the bottles of medicines stack up on our nightstands, we are reminded that we are not like other people. We hesitate to make plans in advance, for we don’t know how we will feel that day. We cancel lunches with friends we love because they’ve come down with a bad cold, and if we catch it, that may take us down a path we can’t recover from.

We watch what we eat, we do the exercises that are prescribed, we get stuck with needles on a regular basis, and we go to countless doctor visits. Sometimes it feels like all we have time for is tending to our health. It’s draining.

What I’ve recently realized, however, is that there’s something that can make us feel even worse: toxic thinking. That can take a variety of forms, from self-pity to anger at family members who just don’t “get” that you’re really sick. One particular topic that has been top-of-mind and become quite toxic for me, however, is politics. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed discussing and debating, but lately, not so much. And while you may not think it’s relevant to this blog, read on.

Time to Get Back on That Horse?

“I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.”
Philippians 4:13 NABRE

We had just arrived at the dude ranch for our family reunion and were checking in when the desk clerk, a friendly woman with a broad smile and long blonde hair flowing out from under her bedazzled black cowboy hat, asked the inevitable question: “Are you interested in riding today?”

The next trail ride was in 45 minutes and, given that it was 3:00 in the afternoon on a hot summer day in west Texas, no one had signed up yet. There were plenty of spots open. Was I interested? Yes. Would I be able to do it? That was the question.

The last time I had ridden a horse was seven months before, and to call it a pleasant experience would have been a stretch. My left knee, one of the joints I’ve had trouble with since the onset of my rheumatoid arthritis (RA), was not happy. Truthfully, it felt as if it were being twisted right off my leg. No matter how hard I tried to get comfortable, I couldn’t, and I pretty much decided that perhaps my riding days were over.

While I remember the physical pain I was in during that trail ride, what sticks in my mind the most was the disappointment I felt. With the way my knee was hurting, I was not planning to ever ride again, which made me sad.

I had been around horses my entire life, from the time my daddy sat me up on top of “Kate,” the old mare at my grandfather’s farm, when I was about three. My uncle was a Texas rancher, married to a professional cowgirl, and when I was in high school in England, my sister and I spent a lot of time at the nearby stables where we learned to jump. Even though riding had been only an occasional pastime for me as an adult, it was still something I loved to do when I had a chance.

So here I was, at a decision point. Could I accept the ride seven months beforehand as my last time on horseback or should I try again? Would I take a chance and get back on a horse, or would I sit it out?

13 Reasons Why {Not}

"So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you." - Isaiah 41:10

It was an ordinary Friday night. We had just gone to dinner as a family and were settling down in front of the TV, talking about what to watch.

"You should watch 13 Reasons Why, Mom," my daughter said. "It's really good!"

Curious about the show she had mentioned once before, I looked online to see if there was more information on it before making a decision. Why yes, there was. A whole lot of positive reviews for its direction and creativity, and a whole lot of talk from parents and psychologists expressing concern over the graphic content and messaging that was making suicide hotlines light up like Christmas trees.

If you don't have a tween or teen, you might not have heard of the latest show on Netflix, which is based on a novel in which a teenage girl commits suicide. The "13 reasons why" refer to 13 messages she left for individuals whose actions played a part in her decision to take her life.

I will be the first to tell you I haven't seen the show and I don't plan to. I will also say that the same night I learned about it, I took steps to adjust the parental controls on my TV and my daughter's cell phone.

There are some who think we as parents should watch the show "to understand what our teens face" in today's world. By all means, if you grew up in an untarnished, sheltered environment, perhaps this is the eye opener you need. Drinking, drugs, bullying and date rape...it's all there, graphically depicted (apparently).

But as for me, I haven't always lived in the light. I have touched that darkness - the despair, the depression, the shame, the hopelessness - and was almost swallowed up by it. I'm not going back. And I'm certainly not taking my 12-year-old back with me.

When I began writing this blog almost three years ago, it was to give people hope. Living with chronic illness is not easy. Depression is common, and suicide is not unheard of. When the pain feels like it will never end, when your life feels over, it is easy to give up. There are those who do. But I'm here to tell you - DON'T. 

I spent the first few months of this year in daily, intense pain from chronic migraines. If you have ever had a true migraine, you will know what I mean when I say it's not just a headache. At one point, during a trip to New York, I rocked back and forth on the bed, holding my head, crying and screaming, "Please help me. Somebody, help me!" Not long afterwards, I went into the bathroom and threw up, before crawling back into bed and finally passing out from the pain.

If ever there was a degree of physical pain that made me feel like giving up, it has been during episodes of severe migraine. I have literally felt like dying at times, because I thought I couldn't handle the pain even one more minute.

And yet, here I am.

Thankfully, God designed our bodies not to remember physical pain. I can tell you what happened, and generally how I felt, but I can't re-live the pain itself. Unfortunately, that isn't the case with emotional scars. Those wounds can sometimes take a lifetime to heal, and when they are reopened, they can hurt just as much as when the initial pain was inflicted.

When I am hurting physically, I may feel like dying, but when the pain goes away, life looks sunny again. It's easy to then see that "this too shall pass" because it really does. Even with chronic illness, there are moments when the pain dissipates enough to find moments of joy. It's important to look for those, because it helps you endure the rest of the time. Looking at my photos from New York, no one would ever know I had spent half the trip in pain, because the rest of the time, I was all smiles! Yes, there were a few of those pics where I was in "fake it 'til you make it" mode, but for the most part, I managed to salvage some really great moments that far outweighed the nightmare migraines I endured.

We have to be careful with emotional pain, though. I don't know who coined the phrase "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me," because that's just not true. Harsh words, coming from friends or family members, cut deep. We begin to believe what we hear, and wonder if we really are OK...or not. 

Our mistakes can hurt too. When I look back at my teen years and even into my 20's, it's easy to beat myself up over the many poor decisions I made. I may have changed my ways, but the consequences of those decisions didn't just disappear. There are so many times I have wished I could go back and have a "redo."

And sexual violence and abuse...well, that pain cut to the very core of who I was, and it took years of therapy for the flashbacks and nightmares to stop. I can still remember hands holding me down, then the hand placed over my mouth as I cried out in pain, ordered to "shut up!" because someone might hear; and the sting of my tears when it hit me that I was not a virgin anymore.

Night after night, for many years, I cried out to the Lord, "Why God, why?" I certainly could have come up with 13 good reasons to take my life. And yet, I did not. Growing up in the church, I was told suicide was the one unforgivable sin, because how can you confess killing yourself when you are already dead? I'm not sure that God in His infinite mercy wouldn't have forgiven me, but I do know that was not the only thing that kept me alive. 

The words spoken by God in Isaiah 41:10 are powerful. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you. Every moment of every day in which I have been in either physical or emotional pain, I have had to remember them. God will help me. God is with me. God will save me.

Despite my health situation, despite my poor choices, despite whatever bad things I have believed about myself, and despite the physical and psychological trauma I have experienced, I have held on to those promises: God will help me. God is with me. God will save me.

And you know what? He has.

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has a plan for us...a good one! The only way to find out about that plan, though, is to live it out. We have to wade through the mud, fight the battles, and allow God to cut away entanglements that hold us back, in order to reach the promised land He has for us. Sometimes it isn't easy. Sometimes, we aren't sure we are going to make it, or whether it's worth it. But it is. It always is. How do we know? Because He says so.

Back in my younger days, surrounded by darkness and not seeing much light ahead of me, I could have found 13 reasons why my life wasn't worth living. Today, looking back in hindsight, I can find 13 reasons - and more - that God wanted me to hold on for. 

If I were able to talk to my teenage self and tell her the 13 reasons why not to take her own life, here are what they would be:

1. God has a plan for you - a good one - and you will get to hold His hand through your entire journey, finding more comfort and joy, peace and love than you ever thought possible.

2. You may not realize it, but you're not alone. A lot of people look perfect on the outside, but their life is messy too. Even Jesus suffered through gossip, betrayal, pain and loss. He gets what you're going through.

3. You think if you were only "good enough" those people will like you. The truth is, some people won't like you even if you're the most wonderful person in the world. That's more about them than it is about you.

4. You think your pain is never going to end, but I promise it will. One day, you'll graduate. One day, you'll move (or they will). One day, you'll meet people who like you just the way you are. One day, your broken heart will heal. One day, you won't just notice the rain. You'll see the sunshine and notice the flowers too.

5. Your parents aren't perfect. Neither are you. Do the best you can to deal with them, the same way they are doing the best they can to deal with you. That whole parenting thing is as hard for them as it feels to you.

6. Everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them. Learn from them, but forgive yourself too. God loves you, warts and all, and the Bible is full of people who have screwed up but God used them anyway! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will eventually get where you need to be.

7. You may feel powerless, but God is all powerful. Give your biggest problems to Him, do the next right thing, and leave the results to Him.

8. That rape or physical abuse? No, it's not your fault and don't let anyone say otherwise. You didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it. Stop blaming yourself and get some help instead.

9. Just because "everybody's doing it" doesn't mean you need to. There are many miserable people in the world, doing things they know aren't right. Don't become one, just to fit in. Live your values and you'll keep your confidence.

10. There isn't any problem that an alcoholic drink or drug (or act of self-harm) won't make worse. And even if you feel better momentarily, there will be a hefty price to pay the next day or even further down the road. Reach out for help instead.

11. When God feels far away, remember who's moved. He is always there for you. Don't forget to reach up.

12. Don't be a victim of "stinking thinking." Fill your mind with positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people. You have to look beyond your problems to find the solutions.

13. Life is like a rose: it is full of petals and thorns. Yes, sometimes it's painful, but there's an awful lot of beauty there too. Count your blessings every day. A little gratitude can go a long way.

Had I not chosen to live through the pain of my early years, I hate to think what I would have missed later on: quiet sunrises, gorgeous sunsets, warm embraces, wildflowers in the spring, happy smiles and travel across the miles. Every day, there is something new to look forward to.

The world is tough and pain is real. Just don't forget whose you are, and who's got your back! God will help you. God is with you. God will save you...every time.

Peace, joy and love to you today,

Linda

13 Reasons Why {Not} originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' Thoughtful Thursday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. I also link up often with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

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Quit Yer Bellyachin'

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Happy New Year! Or is it?

If the Christmas season is "the happiest time of the year" then is it any wonder that after all the tinsel and glittering decorations are packed back up in the attic (except in my house, of course, where we are total slowpokes about leaving the holiday season behind), there seems to be a period of letdown?

Yes, here we are in January, and 'tis the season to work on those resolutions. Whether you're trying to lose weight or get organized, this time of the year can just feel hard.

Gone are the holiday parties. Now it's time to work off the 10 pounds you put on while noshing on all that fabulous food consumed at them. Forget the tinsel and bows around the Christmas tree. Now you're trying to find a place to put it all, as you search for those financial files underneath the rolls of wrapping paper strewn across your office.

Doing Good in the Face of Evil

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” – Romans 12:9 (ESV)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about listening to the Holy Spirit for wisdom. In that post, I was referring to wisdom in the context of caring for ourselves. Today, I’m going to talk about it in a different context.

In James 1:5, the Bible says that if anyone asks God for wisdom, it will be given to him. Isn’t that a great promise? So how is it, then, that we are less than a month away from the U.S. election, and there are so many of us seeking wisdom, and yet we still don’t know what the right decision is with regards to voting?

One of the most life-changing Bible studies I have ever done is Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. In it, the authors discuss different ways in which God speaks to us: through the Bible, prayer, church, wise counsel, circumstances, and of course, through the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is filled with men and women who made poor choices, so we can’t look to them as examples of what we should or shouldn’t do. What we can do, however, is look at what God himself – through His encounter with Moses and through Jesus – tells us about His will for our lives.

Alone in the Wilderness

“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” – Luke 5:16

My husband passed by my office door, on the way from the living room to the bedroom. A minute later, I glanced up and saw him standing there in the doorway, casually eating a banana and staring at me.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked, trying not to sound annoyed.

“Oh nothing. Just thought I would see what you were up to,” he said with a sweet smile.

I smiled back at him, hoping he wouldn’t notice what was really going on inside me. I wanted him to leave me alone. I needed him to leave me alone. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. After all, it really wasn’t about him. It was me.

That stress you’re feeling isn’t just in your head; it affects your body too.

The truth was that inside, I was feeling like a pressure cooker. It was the beginning of fall, which meant piles of paperwork and calendar items were coming home from school with my daughter on almost a daily basis. On top of it, my work life was going crazy, with deadline upon deadline. Add in my various health issues, and I was frazzled.

Finding Perfection in the Imperfect

How can a mere mortal presume to stand up to God?  How can an ordinary person pretend to be guiltless? Why, even the moon has its flaws, even the stars aren’t perfect in God’s eyes – Job 25:4-5

Two years ago, when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, I would never have imagined myself saying the words that came out of my mouth last weekend.

“I am already living my dream, every day!”

I was standing in front of a table at a Christian writers conference, where an author and consultant was doing a prize drawing. All I had to do in order to enter was to write down my “big dream” on the paper covering the table.

I explained that I would have to think on it. As we chatted, I mentioned that I had several chronic illnesses, including RA. The consultant immediately jumped on it.

“Well, I’m sure that’s probably your big dream – to be healed!”

Even to my own surprise, I found myself replying, “Actually, no. That isn’t.”

If you’re a spoonie (someone who suffers from a chronic illness) like me, you’re probably sitting there with a look of disbelief on your face, as you read what I just wrote.

Releasing the Ghosts of the Past

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” Philippians 3:13 (NLT)

I hadn’t looked at my high school yearbooks in years. There was no need. That was then. This is now. I had moved on. Or so I thought.

As I reached up into the living room cabinet and took one down, I could feel the memories flooding back. Opening the cover, I could hear the spine crackling, as if the book was an ancient artifact, fragile from years of storage.

I felt a sense of dread come over me. Sure, there were some good times back then, but buried in that book were memories that haunted me right down to the core of my soul. These were not just a few bad moments. These were the kinds of ghosts that I had spent years trying to exorcise from my mind, the kinds that would keep me locked up in a prison of guilt and shame, remorse and regret.

What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Stronger

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

I looked around me at the women in the pool, watching as their gray-haired heads bobbed up and down to the beat of the loud music. Their wrinkled, sagging skin told me they had at least 10 or 20 years on me, and yet I was the one struggling to keep up.

When we finally got to the end of class, I commented to one lady, “Wow, this water aerobics isn’t for sissies, is it?” She just shrugged and smiled. She was there every day. To her, it was no biggie. To me, this was more than a struggle. It was a matter of life and death.

Finding Hidden Treasures (aka Arthritis in your Armpits!)

“I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” – Isaiah 45:3

A few years ago, while on a camping trip with my daughter, I learned a new game called geocaching. Similar to a scavenger hunt, you use a global positioning system (GPS) to find a hidden “cache” of treasure. The difference between the two games, however, is that with geocaching, you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for. All you know is that it will be in a container of some kind, and that it will be located at certain coordinates on the GPS. The treasure itself is a surprise.

I have noticed, in my journey with God, that life can sometimes be like geocaching. We are looking for something – our purpose, a new direction, or perhaps a specific answer to prayer – but we aren’t sure exactly what we will find.

Confidence Crisis: Two-step or Trust?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

I stared at the article in front of me. The photo of a kayaker gliding across smooth open water towards the setting sun caught my eye. It wasn’t the beautiful picture holding my gaze, however. It was the words. The utterly…beautiful…words.

Every month, I look forward to the day Texas Highways magazine arrives in my mailbox. Unlike the numerous other magazines I subscribe to, which end up largely unread in stacks on my coffee table, this one almost always gets immediately devoured. I want every detail of its content…where to go, what to do, and how to get there. If the stories involve nature or food, even better. And if there is anything at all on kayaking, well, you know I’m going to read it!

Opening up the pages of my favorite travel magazine yesterday didn’t generate the usual excitement, though. In fact, reading it didn’t make me happy at all. Right there, in the middle of the page, was the most beautiful, poetic writing I had ever read. Its effect? A crisis of confidence. One as strong as the one I felt when I changed my college major, after comparing my high school art project to that of the art teacher’s protégé. If I have to compete with artists like that, I concluded, I will never make it!

If I look back at my career, I can see that every change I ever made began with a crisis of confidence. Can I manage to make these advertising deadlines, or should I become a teacher instead? Am I really inspiring these students, or should I go back into advertising? Can I make it in this job, or should I go out on my own? Can I make it on my own, or should I go back into the corporate world?

Two steps forward, one step back; back and forth, forth and back. Embarrassingly, this two-stepping pattern has been going on for decades.

Fortunately, most of the moves I have made over the past 15 years or so were ones that did indeed push me forward. But what about the moves that pushed me back? The ones in which I had dreams I cowered away from out of fear of failure? The ones in which I tiptoed into new territory, only to be frightened away by giants in the land who were bigger than me?

Even worse, how about the ones where I moved boldly in a new direction, staking my claim, announcing my new identity, only to be found floundering a few months or years into it… Then someone asks, “Hey, didn’t you say you were going to …?” Oh yeah, that. Um. Nevermind.

At church over the last few weeks, we have been studying the life of Abraham. What a man of faith. I wish I could say I was more like him. Unfortunately, I suspect I’m more like his wife.

“Ha ha ha, yeah, a baby at my age?? Mmm hmm … right,” she scoffed.

God didn’t like that too much.

I imagine he probably doesn’t like it too much when I scoff at His plans for me too.

“Ha ha ha, yeah, you want me to scale back my corporate writing to write more about You?  Mmm hmmm … right,” I scoff.

Just like Sarah had all of her facts lined up about why she didn’t need to get pregnant at age 80-something – uh, hello God, I already had a son through my maidservant, and in case you didn’t notice, I’m waaay past menopause and am not even sure me and Abe are up for “making it” happen! – I have all of my excuses ready for God too.

Um, hello God, don’t you see those other writers out there? Look at them! They are artists – I’m just a techie. They’re young, while I’m in the second half of life. And did you not notice my busy parenting schedule? Like I have all this extra time and energy to invest in a brand new career track…and did I mention needing income? C’mon, Lord, how is this going to work, anyway?

So often, we hear God calling, telling us how He wants to work through us. But just like Sarah must have felt when she was told she was really, finally going to bear a child, sometimes the prospect of God’s big dream-come-true plan is as scary as it is exciting. And so we scoff.

The longer I live, the more I pray to be less like Sarah and more like Abraham. He may have laughed when God told him he was going to have a son with Sarah – and no doubt, he was as shocked as she was – but he didn’t scoff. He had journeyed long enough with God to trust Him, and as a result, was able to laugh with delight at God’s promise.

It’s not as if Abraham had never had a crisis of confidence. Just as I zigzagged along in life, as a result of my own hesitations and lack of patience, Abraham too had moments where his faith waivered and he took matters into his own hands. And just like me, he found those decisions didn’t always end well. But God is good. He gives us second chances. This time, when God asked him to trust, Abraham decided to actually do it. If God wanted to use him, even with all of the limitations he and Sarah saw working against them, he would do what he was told and let God do the rest.

It comforts me to know the Bible is full of stories in which even the biggest heroes of the faith were used by God, despite their lack of confidence in themselves. They didn’t believe they could be used by God because they only saw themselves through human eyes. But God saw them through a much bigger lens.

God didn’t care that Sarah and Abraham were old, or that Moses had a speech impediment, or that Peter was just a fisherman. God used them all – ordinary people – for big, wonderful, God-glorifying things. A great nation. A freed people. The foundation of His church. All they had to do was trust His lead … and follow.

I heard someone once say that God doesn’t call us to the possible; He calls us to the impossible. Why? Because if it were easy, we could do it all by ourselves. God assignments are always bigger than we are.

Scoffing isn’t the answer. God is going to do what He is going to do, regardless of our attitude. It’s a matter of whether we’re going to go along with him kicking and screaming, like Jonah (we know how well THAT turned out) or if we’re going to go along like Abraham did, laughing with delight. We may have no clue as to how we are going to get to where God is taking us, but we might as well just get on board, buckle our seat belts and enjoy the ride.

I have a ways to go before my words look as beautiful on paper as the ones I read in Texas Highways. It may also take me awhile to reach all the people I’d like to share my God stories with. But that’s OK. It will happen. One day. And in between here and there, if I have a crisis of confidence, I’ll choose a different response than I have before. I may not fully believe in myself, but I can trust Him to believe in what He is doing in me. No more zigzagging down the journey of life. My two-stepping days are gone. Instead, I’ll just be trusting God to move me forward in this dance called life. He can lead. I will follow.

What are you trusting God for today? Do you believe in yourself? If not, can you trust in God to believe in you? What is holding you back from following where He is leading you?

Confidence Crisis: Two-step or Trust? originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

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At the Crossroads: Go This Way!

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.” – Isaiah 30:21 (VOICE)

It was a rough night. I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. My head was aching and my heart was pounding, as the thoughts continued to whirl around in my mind. “Give me peace, Lord,” I prayed, but peace wasn’t to come. Deep inside me, a battle was raging. A battle between truth and deception. A struggle to discern what was right, and ultimately, which way to go.

Crossroads in life are rarely comfortable. I’m not talking about the easy, yes-no decisions we make every day. I’m talking about the hard ones. The ones that come with a cost, especially if you make a mistake. The ones that can be gut wrenching and keep you up at night.

There I was, at a crossroads, again.

I don’t like these places. They scare me. I want the facts to be clear, the decision cut and dried, the answer to be easy. But that’s rarely the case, is it?

So often, those crossroads moments sneak up on us. A sideways glance. A nagging feeling here and there. A piece of evidence that doesn’t add up.

Pretty soon, though, those little pieces of evidence start to pile up in front of us. Like a jigsaw puzzle coming together, we start to see a bigger picture.

The problem is when the picture we are seeing now isn’t the picture we saw before.

Did the puzzle pieces come from the same box? Did I get it wrong from the start? Or did I jump into an unfinished canvas, and the artist changed course midstream? 

“Give me wisdom,” I prayed.

I knew God would answer that prayer. 

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” – James 1:15

As the sun arose over my sleepless night, I got up, determined to validate what I knew in my heart. I searched for knowledge and found it readily. I prayed for discernment and was able to sift fact from fiction. I prayed for wisdom, and found confirmation and validation for all I had been seeing and hearing and feeling for weeks, months, and possibly years.

But the crossroads was still there in front of me.

What do we do with knowledge and wisdom, once we have it in hand? How do we know which way to go?

One of the truths I was reminded of recently was that prayer was never designed to be a speech, but rather a conversation. Yes, it’s a time to share our hearts with the Lord. But it’s also a time to listen.

The prophets knew what it was to be at a crossroads, to be facing big challenges that required big decisions. At one of those crossroads, the prophet Elijah discovered something remarkable. 

As he stood on a mountaintop, weighted down with despair and trying to decide whether to live or die, hide or fight for his faith, he waited for the Lord. Scripture says that when the Lord passed by, there was a raging wind, a powerful earthquake and a blazing fire.

After Moses encountered God in the burning bush, Elijah probably expected to find Him there in one of those big, obvious signs, just as we want Him (and His answers) to appear to us in neon lights. There would be no mistaking it, then! And yet, the Bible says Elijah did not find Him there.

After the wind, after the earthquake, after the fire … came a still, small voice. Elijah was still. He was listening. And he heard it. The voice of God. Telling him what he needed to hear: which way to go.

Two hundred years later, God told Isaiah to remind the people of this truth.

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.” – Isaiah 30:21

He reminds us to listen for His voice.

His voice, the passage says, lines up with His commandments. We can find His still, small voice through scripture.

His voice was heard through the mouths of the prophets. We can find His still, small voice through the wise counsel of biblically grounded Christians.

His voice was heard in the quiet. We can find His still, small voice through prayer.

His voice is sweet. We can recognize it by the love it conveys and the peace it brings to our hearts.

Today, my path is clear. I am no longer at a crossroads. I have heard the voice of the Lord saying “Go this way!” and I am traveling in that direction. I don’t have all the answers, and don’t know the final destination on this particular avenue of my life. But I know I am going the right way. All the signs point in that direction. And I have peace, knowing the Lord is behind me, charting my path, whispering “go!”


What big decisions are you facing? Have you prayed for wisdom and discernment? Have you sought out God’s still, small voice? Where is He calling you to go today?

At the Crossroads: Go This Way! originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace.

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Praying Through the Fear

“Cast all your anxieties upon him, for he cares about you.” – I Peter 5:7 (RSV) 

It was a first for me. I was not one of those people with “dentist phobia.” Growing up, our family dentist was also our family friend. I had my teeth filled with only a minimal amount of anesthetic. I was awake for oral surgery and watched the procedure with fascination. No, going to the dentist never scared me. Until yesterday.

A bad experience and fear of the unknown can be a powerful cocktail, and I was drinking it up. I felt woozy from all of the thoughts swimming around my head. My mind wandered back to the last major dental work I had, a disastrous event that resulted in gum ulcers, an infection and a complete redo on the crown itself. What if I have to go through another awful experience? With TWO teeth needing crowns today, will it be even worse?

I had also been reading about dental work and rheumatoid arthritis (RA), a diagnosis I didn’t have the last time I had a crown, and I was seriously questioning my decision to have the procedure without talking to my doctor first. I’m already experiencing an RA flare – should I prepare for even more pain? I didn’t think about being on an immune suppressant drug. Should I have asked for antibiotics?

With my anxiety increasing as the appointment time grew closer, I wondered if my blood pressure would shoot up and knew that heart palpitations would follow if I didn’t calm down.

I groaned when my name was called and reluctantly sat down in the chair, hastily expressing my concerns to the dental assistant. As she left the room to go check the X-rays and get the dentist, I did something I’ve never done before in a dental office. I folded my hands, bowed my head, and prayed.

Lord, help me trust. Help me trust in the dentist and help me trust in You. Calm my heart, Lord, and give me peace. Take my fear, Lord. Give me the confidence I need to know it will be OK. Guide the dentist and help me feel Your love. Please, Lord, just help me trust.

Gone were the palpitations. Gone was the anxiety. I closed my eyes and pictured Jesus in my mind, His kind eyes and loving smile beckoning me to trust. It will be OK.

An hour later, with the left side of my mouth numb and two temporary crowns on my lower back molars, I was on my way home.

I reflected on that hour in the dentist’s chair. With one invisible touch from the Master’s hand, my fear had simply melted away. With my focus on Him, all I could feel was love and peace and joy. The sound of the drill was just background noise, the occasional twinge just a minor interruption. Before I knew it, the procedure was over.

The dentist had said at the end, “You were great!” But I knew different. I was not great. No, not at all. If he had seen me beforehand, he would have known that. God was great. Jesus carried me through.

How many times in my life has Jesus had to carry me through circumstances I couldn’t manage on my own? Situations that had me confused and bewildered, in fear and doubt and uncertainty? So many, I can’t count. But here’s what I’ve realized: While Jesus has carried me through many difficult situations, He is often carrying me kicking and screaming!

So many times, I have worked myself up into such a tizzy of emotion that I may be saying “God help me!” under my breath, but I am still fighting my circumstances with every ounce of energy I have. Jesus is trying to rescue me out of the burning building, while I am still trying to put out the fire myself!

That hour at the dentist showed me that when I really and truly let go and let God, my circumstances immediately get easier. I still had to have the two crowns put on my teeth. The dental work didn’t just go away. But it proved that the words of one of my most beloved hymns are true:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Every day I have a choice. Will I keep my eyes on my circumstances and allow fear to rule my life, or will I keep my focus on Jesus and allow peace to reign in my heart?

In Isaiah 41:10, God implores us to trust. He is with us. We do not need to be worried or anxious about anything. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.”

What we need is not a change of circumstance. What we need most is communion with Him.

And in case we still doubt, He assures us, “I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Regardless of our past experiences, our current situation or our fear of the future unknown, God wants us to know He is there. He will not let us go. He is worthy of our trust.

Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY about everything. Tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers. (Philippians 4:6)

Praying Through the Fear originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace.

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Get Out of the Boat: RA, Religion and Politics

“Then Peter called to him, ‘Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.’ ‘Yes, come,’ Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.” – Matthew 14:28-29 (NLT)

“You know, everything would be better if I could just be king of the world,” my husband said with a little grin and a twinkle in his eye.

Ah yes, we all think we know everything there is to know when it comes to politics, right? If only OUR candidate would win the election, then the world would be a better place.

In this particular year, however, there are some of us here in the United States who are scratching our heads, saying to ourselves, “What if none of the candidates represent how I feel or what I think is best for the country?” or “What if we could take some of the best ideas from all of the candidates and use the debates as a learning experience to shape public policy, rather than turning it into a mudslinging contest?”

Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating.

It is the sentiment of people on both sides, I am sure, and even more so for those of us in the middle.

What makes this an interesting election year for me personally is that I am looking at it all with new lenses, through the eyes of a Christian writer and RA blogger. It’s no longer just about me. It’s about you.

You may not realize it, but every time I write a post on Spring Sight, I think about you. 

I think about your struggles with rheumatoid disease and/or other chronic illnesses. I think about the physical pain you have to endure, the uphill battles you fight to find medications that work, and the everyday struggles you face to be understood by others, when you suffer from an invisible illness. I think about how disabling this disease can be for many, and how you struggle with employment issues and all your medical bills. I think about all the doctors you’ve been through to find a good one. I think about the fear you face when the one you found suddenly isn’t a choice anymore.

It’s a quandary, isn’t it? In any political season, there are winners and there are losers. What we want and need may come from two different places, or none at all. What then?

As a Christian, I often find myself asking the question, “What would Jesus do?” 

The Bible is full of God’s commandments and promises, along with stories of followers who learned some lessons through trial and error, discovering in the end (usually the hard way) that God’s way really is best and that He really can be trusted.

If you’re not a biblical scholar, however, it can be difficult to discern the right thing to do in everyday situations if you don’t know where to look. My personal philosophy is to begin with the Ten Commandments and then to jump immediately to the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John), which describe in great detail the life and message of Jesus Christ.

In His claim of being the Messiah, the one and only Son of God, Jesus puts Himself out there as the one true representation of God Himself. He specifically says He came not to abolish, but rather to fulfill, the Law of Moses. In other words, if you want to see the Ten Commandments in action, just look at Jesus. 

Jesus boils the Law into two main concepts: Love God and Love Others.

God expects us to honor Him – to place Him at the top of our priority list and to seek His righteousness and holiness in our personal lives – and to demonstrate that we are His followers by sharing His love with other people.

In today’s political climate, it can be tricky to choose sides based upon these foundational principles of Christianity. One side of the political spectrum says religious morality trumps all, and the other side seems to say “live and let live” with compassion and tolerance at the top of the priority list.

Guess what, though? Look at Jesus’ life, and if we were to really choose to be like Him, we wouldn’t be able to pick. He represents holiness and compassion. The same One who makes it clear that we should care for “the least of these” and “do not judge, lest you be judged” is also the One who said “go and sin no more.”

As both a Christian and an RA sufferer, there are numerous issues that are important to me, as I am sure there are for you. And like many Americans, I struggle with the right answer. I am counting on God to keep His promise to grant me wisdom* during this election process, as I look to Jesus as my guide and example of a true leader.

Regardless of the issue or the eventual outcome, however, it would serve us well to remember one key fact: God is love. He will not abandon you.**

This fact is illustrated in Matthew 14, where Jesus’ disciples find themselves in a fierce storm out in the middle of a lake. Tossed around by the huge waves pounding their fishing boat, they are understandably scared and unsure of what to do. Then along comes Jesus, walking on the water. Thinking at first they are seeing a ghost, they are terrified! But then Jesus reassures them, “Don’t be afraid. Take courage. I am here!”

Reassured by the presence of Jesus, Peter then takes the ultimate leap of faith, stepping out of the boat into the waves, in response to Jesus’ calling for him to come join him.

When Peter chose to keep his eyes on Jesus, his fear disappeared and he was able to step out in obedience.

It was only when Peter took his eyes off the Lord and onto his circumstances that he began to be fearful again and then began to sink.

Even then, however, Jesus did not let Peter drown. Jesus saw Peter’s fear. He saw his lack of faith. He even called him out on it. But the Bible says Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him, pulling him to safety. And He didn’t just save Peter. He saved the other disciples too, by quieting the storm.

Today, Jesus is calling us to step out of the boat. No matter what our fears of the future, or the realities of what we are facing right now, we have a choice to make. As we head to the polls during the primaries and again in November, will we keep our eyes on Jesus, or will we look instead at our circumstances and begin to sink? Will we trust God to take care of our needs, so that we can focus on serving the greater good of all? Will we vote with an attitude of “what’s in it for me” or will we instead be sincere in our desire to honor God and love others?

There is no easy answer in this year’s election. I will be reminding myself often to pause and pray. But regardless of what happens, we can be confident that no matter what the outcome, God will still be on the throne. His presence is powerful. His love never fails. And He will never, ever abandon you.

*James 1:5
**1 John 4:8, John 14:18

Get Out of the Boat: RA, Religion and Politics originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace.

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When Tears Begin to Flow

"Jesus wept." - John 11:35

Mothers know what tears are for.

“Whaaaaaa!!!”

That very first cry, in the moments just after a child has been born, says it all.

He’s been pushed out of his comfort zone, out from where it was warm and safe, into an environment he doesn’t recognize. As his lungs fill with air for the very first time, his eyes open to a bright new world, and his body shivers from the cold he’s never felt before. He has struggled to get here, and yet now … now, he’s not sure why.

“Whaaaaaa!!!”

His cry rings out to signal his distress. His fear. His confusion.

Moments later, he finds loving arms to hold him.

“There, there, it’s OK.” 

The words sound soothing. The arms feel secure.

It is OK. Love is here.

Mothers know that tears don’t always mean sadness.

Sometimes they’re from joy.

Sometimes they’re from pain.

Sometimes, they are from just being so tired, so overwhelmed, that you just feel you can’t go on. Or maybe you can go on, but you just need to rest. You need to vent. You need to grieve. Or you just need to breathe…

Tears say “I need.”

From the moment we are born, we need.

We need food. We need clothing and shelter. We need comfort and care when we are hurt.

Above all, we need love.

I was reading another blogger’s post today, in which she shared about the pain and medical procedures she was having to endure as a result of her rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and a rare bone disease. She wrote about an encounter she had with a nurse who asked how she was doing.

"The tears had begun to flow and we just sat there in silence. She understood."

My friend had reached a moment at the hospital where she just couldn’t express what she was feeling in words anymore. She needed to cry. She needed to express the pain, the fear, the grief … all of it. And she needed love and understanding. But there were no words to express all the need that was bottled up inside her. And so, she wept.

As a Christian, it’s easy to talk about “the joy of the Lord” and expect to feel the “peace that passes understanding” even during hard times. And make no mistake, I do my part to try and stay in that joy and peace. I pray. I study my Bible. I meditate on God’s promises. I worship. I fellowship with other believers. All of that helps.

But sometimes…

The tears fall.

A few weeks ago, my mother went into the hospital with pneumonia and within a few days, was put on life support as a last-ditch attempt to save her life.

When they put her on the ventilator, I wept tears filled with sorrow.

When they told me they had removed the breathing tube and she was able to breathe on her own again, I wept tears of joy.

Next week, she will undergo major surgery for a different problem. It is high risk because of her underlying medical conditions.  I know that and so does she. When I wish her well, as they take her off to the operating room, I already know that - no matter how strong my faith - all the love I feel for my mother, the joyful memories of the happy times we have spent together, the hopes and dreams for all I still want to share with her, and the fear of losing her, will well up inside me ... Once again, I will weep.

I am not ashamed of my tears.

Even Jesus wept. He wept when He saw his friend Lazarus, dead. He wept when his other friend, Judas, betrayed Him. He wept when He saw what was to come on the cross. It didn’t matter that He knew the ultimate ending, His glorious resurrection.

When life – and the prospect of death – was overwhelming, Jesus wept. 

Jesus isn’t a weakling. He is strong enough to conquer temptation, sin and death! And yet, here on earth, dressed in mortal flesh, even Jesus needed a good cry sometimes.

When His flesh cried out, “I hurt!” Jesus needed to let out His human emotions and pain, in order to let in the love of the Father and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus’ tears meant the same as ours. His tears said, “I need…” 

Just as Jesus needed the love of the Father and the power of the Holy Spirit to give Him the strength to overcome what He faced - to take him from suffering and death to life again – so we need God to carry us through our trials and our tears.

On any given day, my tears may mean many things. When I’ve been pushed out of my comfort zone, in unfamiliar territory, and I’m scared. I’m confused. I’m overjoyed with happiness. I’m overcome with grief. I’m hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. When I need comfort, I need shelter, I need rest.

In the end, when I let it all out – when the tears fall from my eyes with an outpouring of unspoken emotion – I will let in the Holy Spirit and find strength again. Whatever I’m going through won’t last forever. This too shall pass. I will fall into God’s loving arms and feel His warm embrace, as He helps me to my feet again.

There, there, it’s OK. Love is here.

When Tears Begin to Flow originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee. 

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