This is the second of a week-long series of posts related specifically to life with rheumatoid arthritis, as a part of #RABlog Week. If you have RA and are new to this site, please know that it is spiritually oriented, written from a Christian perspective, and here for your encouragement. If you do not have RA, please keep reading to learn more about this disease or check out my other posts. You can also follow me on Facebook or Twitter.
“But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31 (NKJV)
“I’m so sorry. I just don’t think I can manage it.”
Every time I heard those words coming out of my mouth, I felt guiltier and guiltier.
Ben and I had only been married a short time and we were looking forward to a lifetime of outdoor activities, which we had enjoyed throughout our dating relationship. But more and more, I felt too exhausted to even make it through an ordinary day, much less a hike through the woods or a kayaking outing. It just wasn’t happening.
Morning after morning, I dragged myself out of bed, feeling like I had been run over by a mac truck. I ached everywhere, my hands and feet swollen with inflammation, and I would smile dimly at my beaux, as if in another world. I desperately wanted to go back to bed, but didn’t want to disappoint. As I sat on the couch, fingers slowly unfreezing with the warmth of the cup of coffee in my hands, I pondered all that was on my to-do-list. Would I…could I…make it to lunch without a nap? Could I muster up the energy to make the bed or do the dishes? I really wasn’t sure. Day after day, the answer was the same. The fatigue was too much. I came up short every time.
As bad as it was, the physical fatigue was not the most crippling. No, it was the mental and emotional fatigue – the feeling of just being defeated by it all. I was weary of the fight, depressed at the disparity between who I was just a few months beforehand and who I was today, and fearful of a future that seemed so much less than I had hoped for. And for everything I could no longer do – or at least do with any consistency – I felt less and less attractive to my husband. Despite his assurances to the contrary, all I could think about was how much I must be letting him down.
It took almost a year of this type of debilitating fatigue, combined with a rough surgery recovery, before I surrendered to the idea of taking a DMARD (disease-modifying anti-rheumatic drug) for my RA. Since my father had passed away from cancer just a month before my diagnosis, and he had suffered for several years with the side effects of chemo, I was terrified of the pharmaceutical treatment options that lay before me. I was never so grateful as when my rheumatologist told me I could begin with Plaquenil, the drug with the least amount of side effects, and even more so when it worked to ease my symptoms.
I would love to say that modern medicine was all I needed to beat my RA-related fatigue, but that would not be true. I've needed more, in order to get back on my feet and attain the level of energy I had before. The drugs may be slowly restoring my ability to move my body; but I know that only with God will I have the ability to truly soar.
I have learned that the true enemy in the fight against fatigue is that voice in my head that says “You can’t do this.” Fortunately, I have God’s Word that says in Philippians 4:13 that I can. It is knowing I can do all things through Him that gives me the strength I need to carry on. And it is by truly accepting His unconditional love, receiving it and focusing on it each day, that I overcome the adversary that says “With RA, you’re not enough.” Because I know that with God, I am. My strategy for winning the battle of fatigue? Fighting the enemy within, while surrendering to my ultimate Friend.
My war with fatigue is not over. It is a day-to-day struggle, taken as it comes. But at least now I have a plan. I will go to the One who says, “Come to me, you who are burdened, and I will give you rest.” And with the help of little naps, a little love and a little laughter, I will be patient with myself and my body too, remembering I need only do what I can do. I am all I need to be today.
How do you address fatigue in your life? Do you let physical fatigue beat you down emotionally, or do you allow negative thinking to zap you of the energy you need to get through the day? Where do you go to lift your spirits and be revived?
To Fight or Surrender? Winning the Battle of Fatigue originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. It is one of a series of posts specifically about Rheumatoid Arthritis, as part of #RABlog Week.
Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on #EncourageMeLinkup (Mondays), #IntentionalTuesday, #RaRaLinkUp (Tuesdays), and Testimony Tuesday.
Guilt in my marriage is something that I struggle with all of my time. I want to do all things outdoors with my husband, but every time I tell him that I can't, I feel like I'm letting him down. I think he struggles with feeling guilty about doing things without me. It sucks. I feel like it's holding us both back. I want to be out there doing things with him and he doesn't want to leave me alone all of the time.
ReplyDeleteNicole, I have encouraged my husband to take pictures so that he can give me a "virtual tour" of his outings when he gets home, and I try and do something fun (albeit sedentary) when he's out so that I can share with him also, even if it's what I read in a book or article, or watched on TV. My mother-in-law, who has had problems with her knee for a number of years, took up digital photography and has taken some amazing pictures of birds and flowers in her yard. It's given her a hobby that doesn't require a lot of activity (she used to be a big outdoor enthusiast/hiker too) but gives her a creative outlet. We need something to help us feel better about ourselves, so we don't pull our marriages down with our disease. Take care!
DeleteLinda, I've been sick since Memorial Day. I was sick last summer and thought it was being exposed to mold and sheet rock dust during a renovation last summer. That may have been the trigger, but even after these things ended I'm still struggling. You are so right. the mental game is what debilitates. Remembering God loves me and hasn't forgotten me helps me when I feel discouraged. Thank you for your honest post.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you're not well, Deb. I will keep you in my prayers! Keep your chin up. Just do what you can do and give yourself some grace. :-)
DeleteLinda: I understand. what you are saying, especially the guilt phase. I cannot even drive past my former employers without thinking I need to get off my butt and go to work. I have not worked there for seven years. Your writing today, so resonated with me.
ReplyDeleterick
Work. Uh, yeah. My RA severely impacted my ability to work effectively. Just drained the energy right out of me, and when I had the major flare after my shoulder surgery, the pain was seriously distracting. I'm lucky to just work part-time and am self-employed. I make a priority not to overschedule myself and be realistic about my deadlines. From what I know of you, Rick, you made such an impact with your work ... but you also make a huge impact doing what you're doing in the RA and Diabetes communities! Don't feel guilty. You're not slacking! :-)
DeleteThank you for sharing your battle with RA. I do not know what your fatigue feels like but I have felt that way before myself. My own relief is to not give in and give it all to God. I am blessed by your words today.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Mary. I am blessed by your writing as well, and in fact pointed people on my Facebook page to your most recent post. You really spoke to me! I'm glad we are connected via our Linkup groups.
DeleteI love this: "I overcome the adversary that says 'With RA, you’re not enough.' Because I know that with God, I am." -- so true! Thank you for sharing and for the great reminder.
ReplyDelete