Finding Perfection in the Imperfect

How can a mere mortal presume to stand up to God?  How can an ordinary person pretend to be guiltless? Why, even the moon has its flaws, even the stars aren’t perfect in God’s eyes – Job 25:4-5

Two years ago, when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, I would never have imagined myself saying the words that came out of my mouth last weekend.

“I am already living my dream, every day!”

I was standing in front of a table at a Christian writers conference, where an author and consultant was doing a prize drawing. All I had to do in order to enter was to write down my “big dream” on the paper covering the table.

I explained that I would have to think on it. As we chatted, I mentioned that I had several chronic illnesses, including RA. The consultant immediately jumped on it.

“Well, I’m sure that’s probably your big dream – to be healed!”

Even to my own surprise, I found myself replying, “Actually, no. That isn’t.”

If you’re a spoonie (someone who suffers from a chronic illness) like me, you’re probably sitting there with a look of disbelief on your face, as you read what I just wrote.

“Not healed? Are you kidding me? Why wouldn’t you want to be healed??”

Now, calm down. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to be healed. Of course, I would be happy to not have a chronic illness! I would be immensely, supremely happy to not have to deal with diseases that often leave me fatigued, in pain, and having to go get stuck with needles all the time!

I remember those days before RA: the days when I had the energy to go from sunrise to sundown without crashing somewhere in between; the days when I could eat what I wanted or exercise as hard as I could without worrying about the after-effects of a flare; the days when I could make plans in advance without being concerned about how I might feel, given the unpredictability of my disease; the days when I didn’t have to set medicine alarms, all the while realizing just how significant the cost of healthcare had become in my life.

Yes, I would be all too happy if things went back to the way they were before.

Except for this one teeny, tiny thing…

I am already happy.

It is so easy to fall into the “perfection trap” that says if only something were different, then we could be really and truly happy. That can come in a lot of different forms, from “If only I were 10 pounds thinner…” to “If only I could get a job like this, or a husband like that…” or even (for you fellow writers out there) “If only I could get more readers…” THEN, life would be perfect, right? Of course, then we get what we think we want, and life still isn’t perfect. We aren’t really much happier after all.

When I first heard the words “You have rheumatoid arthritis” I thought my life was over. I went through all of the stages of grief. I cried. I got angry. I had my pity party (and invited lots of people to join me). I thought I might never be happy again. My “new reality” was far from where I ever thought I would be at this stage of life, and slowing down (which my disease forced me to do) was not something I ever dreamed of. I found myself stuck in that place of “If only I didn’t have RA…”

Somewhere along the way, though, I found acceptance. Even beyond that, I have found joy. Not just superficial happiness, for it certainly couldn’t be found in my circumstances. No, this joy is different.

The joy I have now is similar to the feeling you get when you are on the beach, gazing at a sunset over the ocean, listening to the waves crash and seagulls calling out to one another; or walking in the woods, noticing the tiniest flora and fauna, a cool breeze sweeping across your face and the smell of pine straw wafting up from the forest floor. It is that feeling of peace, knowing that circumstances are only temporary, and that it will somehow be alright in the end.

Joy isn’t found striving for the perfect life. It comes from embracing the beauty of the imperfect one we already have.

Living with RA has made me more dependent upon God and other people. When my hands are weak, I need my husband’s strong hands to open that jar for me. When I am crying in pain, I need his arms to hold and comfort me. When I am scared, I need my friends in the RA community to assure me that they’ve been right where I am, and they are still hanging in there.

When I am lonely, even if no one else is around, I have discovered that God is right by my side. His words of love, found in the pages of my Bible, tell me that I have a constant companion, father and friend, who will never abandon me, even in the worst of circumstances. They tell me He has a plan for my life, one that is good, even with my chronic illness in the background. I need that. I need to know there is hope.

When I believe in that hope, when I choose to trust the One who holds my life in His hands, I find joy.

No one’s journey through chronic illness is the same. Our experiences all differ. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Many are in between. I recently had to explain that to someone who asked, “How can you have RA and kayak?”

Well, first of all, kayaking is much easier on the joints than many other activities. Secondly, while you may see pictures on Facebook of me in a kayak, you probably won’t ever see pictures of me parked on the couch, when my feet and knees hurt too badly to walk across the room, or when I am curled up in bed with yet another migraine.

Those painful days are as frequent as the days when I am enjoying time out in the woods or on the water. I just don’t focus on them. They will come and they will go, as will so many other circumstances in my life. What stays constant, and what I have to keep in mind on those hard days, is God’s love for me. It is there that I find my joy, and it is from that place I can share hope with others who are suffering.

It has been said that if we were given the opportunity to trade our struggles with those of someone else, we would most often choose to keep our own. Somehow, God knows we are strong enough to handle our particular set of circumstances. Yes, even including those chronic illnesses that keep us from doing all that we might like or feel like we “should” be doing.

Life is not perfect. And yet, no one else’s life is perfect either. And so, I will continue to seek to find all the joy I can in my imperfect life. After all, it is the only life I have … and therefore, it is perfect enough for me.

Do you struggle with disappointment when you find your life playing out differently than you thought it would, or when you compare yourself to others? Can you rest in God’s love, knowing that your life has purpose, and that you are perfectly and wonderfully made, even with those imperfections?

Finding Perfection in the Imperfect originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

Subscribe to Spring Sight