Returning to Laughter

“So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.” – Psalm 126:6

It’s been two years since I began this blog. Two years since my father died. Two years since I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). Two years of many tears.

Two years ago, all I could see was pain. Emotional. Physical. Even spiritual, as I shook my fist at God and questioned “Why?” and “Why now?”

Being diagnosed with a chronic, progressive, incurable illness like RA has a way of derailing us emotionally. There we are, headed down the path of life, full of dreams of where we want to go, and suddenly, it all comes to a screeching halt.

I imagine it might be a little like being diagnosed with cancer. There’s something surreal about being told you have a disease that literally has the power to take your life (and yes, RA is more than just joint pain – it can, in fact, be deadly).

Unlike with cancer, however, where the biggest question is often “Can I beat this?” the question for people with autoimmune disorders – RA, lupus, multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, psoriasis and more – is “Can I live with this?” There is no beating it. Even if they go into remission for a time, these are diseases you are stuck with for the rest of your life.

Grieving a diagnosis like this is much like grieving any other loss, though. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression … and eventually, acceptance. The key to living with chronic illness is not getting stuck in the first four.

I’m Not the Same as I Was, or Will Be

"You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." - Proverbs 19:21

This is the second article on rheumatoid disease (RD/RA/rheumatoid arthritis) written for Rheumatoid Awareness Day. It is centered on RD Fact #3: Rheumatoid disease manifests itself differently in each person and even in the same person over time.

As anyone with chronic illness will tell you, comparison is not a game you want to play.

I looked around the rheumatologist’s waiting room at the patients around me, sizing up the different situations and noting my reactions.

Young woman with a walker. How sad. I wonder if she had juvenile arthritis or if her disease is just that aggressive?

Middle-aged man with a cane. Hmmm…I wonder what his story is. Knee or hip?

Attractive lady in a wheelchair. Wow. She’s not that young, but not very old, either. Too young to be disabled, for sure.

Suited up business man. He looks just fine to me. Is he really a patient or is he a pharmaceutical rep? 

The fact is, with an illness like rheumatoid disease, we never know what the real story is with others. Looks can be deceiving. 

Even in my own life, I can look at my Facebook page and if you only looked at my photos, you would never know I had a chronic, disabling disease. They show my life’s joys, its triumphs, not the pain I may be experiencing that very same day.


Take my favorite wedding day photo, for example. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Health Central featured my RA story on its front page and used the picture I had sent them of me and my husband with our kayak paddles. There I am, smiling away, looking like I don’t have a care in the world! 

If you take the time to read my story, though, you’ll find that it wasn’t quite the fairytale it looks. The joints in my hands were so swollen that my husband almost couldn’t get the ring on my finger during the wedding ceremony! For days before and after, my feet hurt too bad to walk across the hardwood floor of my bedroom without slippers. And the fatigue was getting severe too, and cut our activities short on our weekend “mini-moon” trip just a short time after our wedding.

That was my life before diagnosis. It got worse before it got better, but once I finally agreed to treatment with a DMARD (disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug), life became good again. If you listen to the audio portion of my story, you’ll hear how I was thrilled to not get sick from the drugs (yay for success with Plaquenil!) and how I felt “great” after a few months of treatment and physical therapy for both my shoulder and knee. 

I can talk about my great trip to Canada last summer, which was indeed made possible by the successful treatment of my rheumatoid disease. I can even show you pictures of me hiking and kayaking! I was never so happy to be able to take that vacation with my husband. But did I mention the ice therapy on my knee every night and the pulley I brought with me to keep my shoulder recovery going? That I am still having issues with my shoulders (mostly the other one now) and that knee? And that my big toe joint hurt so bad on Christmas Day that my husband had to do 100% of the dinner cleanup because I couldn’t stand any longer and was downing anti-inflammatories and soaking my foot in Epsom salts?

I am always going to consider my current life (as it is today) “great” as compared to my life with untreated rheumatoid arthritis. Even with my occasional flares of fatigue and painful joints, there really is no comparison. I’m also grateful that my current state of disease activity is mild compared to that of some other people. But RA is a progressive disease and there is no cure. It’s not uncommon for a medication to work for a little while and then just stop working. The immune system is complicated. There is no such thing as a straight line of recovery when it comes to autoimmune diseases like RA. You take nothing for granted. Every day is different.


I don’t know what my life will look like in the future. I hope it is as good as it is today. Who knows, perhaps medical research will find a cure and I will find remission. But even if that never happens, or I get worse, I know I can trust that I am held in the palm of the One who will never let me go. I can trust that God is good and so are His plans for me. I can find joy, even on the painful days, if I look hard enough for it. I won’t assume my life is better or worse than others, remembering that looks can be deceiving. In that, I can find gratitude and peace. 

I am not the same as I was, nor will I be the same tomorrow. Just for today, I will be OK.

If you have a chronic illness, how much do you compare your situation to that of others? Do you linger in the past or fear the future, or can you rest in the present?

I'm Not the Same as I Was, or Will Be originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Grace Esedeke's EncourageMe Monday, Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday.

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How Bad Is It Really? Perception vs Realty

The Real RD Fact #5: Rheumatoid disease is often an invisible illness.

This is the first article on rheumatoid disease (RD/RA/rheumatoid arthritis) written for Rheumatoid Awareness Day. It is centered on RD Fact #5: Rheumatoid disease is often an invisible illness.

The words from the company CEO cut into me like a knife. “I’m sorry, but the truth is that perception is reality,” he said.

It wasn’t the first time I had heard that, and it wasn’t the last. But it didn’t hurt any less. The truth didn’t matter. I was being judged by outward appearances, not by what was really going on. And even a valid explanation wasn’t going to do. To him, perception was all that mattered. Everything else – my feelings, or even the facts – was irrelevant.

If you’ve ever been misjudged, you know how much it hurts. It hurts when you’re misjudged by strangers, and it is even more painful when it is by family or friends. “Don’t they know me better than that?” you find yourself saying. And yet, seemingly, they don’t.

Unfortunately, being judged or misjudged is a frequent occurrence in the life of those with rheumatoid disease. It comes with the territory of having an “invisible illness,” one with few outward symptoms.

I find myself battling the “perception vs reality” war often. On-the-water selfies have become a tradition for me and my kayaking husband, as they serve to document our paddling travels. Likewise, my tween daughter and I love to play “silly face” with the camera, frequently posting our antics on social media for our friends to see and to preserve our fun memories when they pop up later in our Facebook feeds.

The only problem with this is that with every picture of fun that is posted, the perception becomes that I’m never suffering with my rheumatoid disease. But why would I post all about the pain? The last thing I want to be is a public whiner, and I really do try and keep a positive outlook. Even my sunny posts designed to encourage others often do double duty, encouraging me when I need a lift.

Then there is the “fake it till you make it” scenario. That was me this morning. Dead tired, with a knee that had throbbed all day yesterday, I dressed up in business attire for a meeting. I was greeted with “Oh, you’re looking great!” by several people. I smiled, thanked them, and tried my best to stay focused on the issue at hand, when inside I was wishing I had been able to rest at home a little longer and wear my comfortable sweats and tennies.

*Sigh* Perception vs reality at work again. I knew that my appearance would make an impression, and I couldn’t afford to be judged a slob. Despite how I felt when I woke up this morning, or how I feel any other day, I am determined not to give into my disease. So I suit up and show up. Day in, day out.

Of course, the issue with keeping your pain from others on a regular basis is that there will in fact be times you can’t fake it and you can’t make it. When you’re too tired to work and you have to take a nap. When your feet hurt too bad to stand and do the dishes. When you have to wear the comfy (frumpy) clothes because your hands can’t manage buttons and zippers. When you (literally) can’t move off the couch or kneel at your child’s bedside to tell them that story you promised.

It is in those honest moments - when we are too overcome with pain or fatigue - that we are at our most vulnerable. To those around us, we may seem lazy. Slobby. Slouchy. Pathetic even. Because we were “just fine yesterday” we are perceived as whiners today. The reality, however, could not be further from the truth.

Ask anyone with rheumatoid disease, and we want to do more. We grieve the loss of our time with others. We guilt ourselves too, over not being all that we would like to be as employees, as parents, as spouses, as friends, even as adult children who would like to do more for our aging parents. We want to be more too. More active. More fun. More healthy. More … of all we used to be, before our autoimmune disease lay claim to our lives.

The truth of an invisible illness like rheumatoid arthritis is that perception clearly does not equal reality. The question is what will you do about it? Having an invisible illness gives me a choice of whether to stay steeped in my own pain, or whether to live as a fraud.  For me, it is about balance. I will find joy where I can, celebrate the tiny moments of pleasure, endure the pain, and be honest about who I am. RD affects me every day. There is no escaping that. But it does not define me. And for that, I am grateful.

If you have an invisible illness like rheumatoid disease, how do you balance perception versus reality? If you aren’t chronically ill, how do you perceive those who are? How much of a challenge is it to accept that their reality may be different – and more painful - than the positive image they are projecting?

How Bad Is It Really? Perception vs Reality originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Grace Esedeke's EncourageMe Monday, Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday.

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We will never share your information with third parties.