Why Our Behavior Matters

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." - Luke 6:31

My husband and I made a new friend recently. His name is Tom. We met him at a New Year's Eve event and by every account, he was the life of the party. He was all smiles and laughter, and was not too proud to don the colorful beads and top hat that were provided to celebrants. We never would have guessed that he was a stage 4 lung cancer patient if his wife Darrelynn hadn't told us about his condition.

Tom had a bad reaction to a chemotherapy drug recently, which landed him in the hospital for several days and in a rehabilitation center for a couple of weeks afterwards. When I went to visit him, I could hardly believe that he had been at death's door just a few days beforehand. He was so cheery, he made me smile. He hugged on everyone who came into his room and gave a word of encouragement and appreciation to all of the nurses and aides. He gave all the credit for his joy to the Lord.

When Tom left the care center, Darrelynn posted a picture on Facebook of her and Tom with some of the people there. Below the group of smiling people, she described how they had become friends with many of the "wonderful staff" there.

If you didn't know Tom and Darrelynn, you might think he had been at a five-star nursing facility, they way they described their experience. I knew better. When I had googled the place before going to visit, I noted it's low rating and some people's complaints about the unfriendly staff. The truth is that it wasn't just the staff that made Tom's experience there so wonderful. It was Tom (and Darrelynn, whose spirit shines just as brightly).

If you grew up with siblings, or if you have more than one child, you know something about deflection, otherwise known as the blame game. Two kids get in a fight, and when each one shares their story, it inevitably is always the other one's fault. "She started it!" or "I wouldn't have, except for him..." is usually how the story starts. No one ever wants to admit their part in it.

There is an old saying "There are two sides to every story, and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle." I imagine that truism has been around for thousands of years, because Jesus neatly addressed the issue when he preached about loving others.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you," Jesus said. He followed up by saying that this is not just how we should treat our friends, but also our enemies. Yes, we are called to treat others - everyone - as we would want to be treated.

I could easily address this in the political realm, where lately civility has completely gone up in smoke. I will not, however, because this is not a blog to discuss political issues. Spring Sight is designed to bring encouragement and hope to those struggling with chronic illness. So how do we relate this to our situation?

I used Tom as an example for a reason. Tom was diagnosed with cancer over two years ago. At the time, he was given just a few weeks to live. Boy, has he surprised those doctors! But he hasn't been without suffering. He has had to live with his cancer, and the side effects of his treatments, every day.

While Tom could easily complain, he has chosen to keep his eyes on Jesus and to be grateful instead. Rather than lashing out in anger and pain, he has reached out to everyone in love. And you know what? As a result of the way he has treated others with love and kindness, that love and kindness gets poured right back into Tom.

The principle is this: It is hard to hate the one who loves you.

Have you ever been rushing through the grocery store, in a bad mood, and then someone smiles and opens the door for you or tells you to have a nice day? I don't know about you, but that one small gesture can cheer me right up.

Just as we who are ill rely on caregivers to be kind and sweet to us. so we must remember that it is easier to care for someone who shows gratitude and kindness as well. What comes around goes around, as they say. Perhaps that nurse isn't mean, but rather having problems at home. Will you pass judgment on her, or just focus on how kind you can be? Maybe that doctor who kept you waiting for an hour is overwhelmed with patients whose problems are bigger than he can fix in an instant. Your patience may be just the gift he needs right now.

Day in and day out, we have our ups and downs. Sometimes we feel fine and sometimes we are doing well to just put one foot in front of the other. It can be downright difficult to muster a smile at times. And yet, we have to keep going, as do our spouses and other caregivers we interact with.

If we truly want our days - and our relationships - to be better, then we need to remember what Jesus said. Be kind first. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. There's a good chance it will circle right back to you.

Peace, joy and love to you today -

Linda

Why Our Behavior Matters originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' Thoughtful Thursday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. I also link up often with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

Losing the Labels, While Embracing Our Identity

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7 (NIV)

I looked over to the right of where I was sitting on the equestrian center's metal bleachers, as we waited for our trail ride to begin. My daughter's Bible study leader was talking to several other women, but I couldn't hear them. Instead, they were communicating with their hands. 

I felt a little left out and jealous that I couldn't be a part of the conversation, because I didn't know sign language, but at the same time I admired them. The very fact they were here at the women's retreat told me that their deafness wasn't going to hold them back from experiencing all that God had for them, and it wasn't going to stop them from having relationships with hearing people, either. 

I asked them, through the interpreter, if I could have a picture with them. I said I wanted to send it to my daughter, whose favorite show is Switched at Birth, a television series about a deaf community. They smiled and obliged, but it got me thinking.

These women had come to the conference with an interpreter, like anyone who spoke another language would, and yet we kept referring to them as members of our church's deaf community. Don't get me wrong, the references were good and kind and filled with gratitude for having these special ladies at the retreat. But I wondered for a moment, "What if they don't like being labeled as the deaf community?"

Giving Thanks for What I Don't Have

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
I Thessalonians 5:18

“Keep an attitude of gratitude.” I’ve heard that phrase over and over again through the years. For me, it’s what I tell myself when I’m going through a hard time. It reminds me to find the little things to be thankful for, especially when the big things in my life are looming over me like a scary monster about to chew me up and spit me out.

An attitude of gratitude has gotten me through a lot in life. In every situation, from my divorce to my father’s death, I have tried to find the silver lining in the dark clouds. “Well, at least it’s amicable,” I mused about the breakup of my marriage; and “He’s no longer suffering” is what I said when my father passed after a two-year battle with cancer. This “silver lining” approach has become so ingrained in me that my closest friends know that every trial I tell them about will be followed up with the statement “but it could be worse…”

Yes, it could be worse, couldn’t it? It’s easy to sit on our pity pot when times are tough; and yet, when you step outside yourself, you find that even with your troubles, there is often someone else hurting a whole lot more. In the “old days” when I was growing up, parents would remind us of this, even if it were to just tell us to eat all the food on our plates. “Think about the starving children in Africa,” they would say. Suddenly we appreciated that we had food at all, even if it wasn’t our favorite dish.

I am reminded of this today because I find myself surrounded by friends and family members for whom it really is worse. While I sit here typing this blog, I am looking out the window at a beautiful sunny day, thinking fondly about the walk I took in the park with a friend this morning and the laughter we shared over coffee. Sure, I have multiple chronic illnesses and a torn rotator cuff that isn’t quite healed. It can be difficult to sleep and sometimes hurts to get dressed in the morning. I don’t like that.

But then I think about a friend whose child is struggling with depression, to the point of suicidal thoughts. Another friend is sitting at the hospital waiting for the doctor to give him a prognosis on his son suffering from traumatic brain injury due to an accident. One family member’s RA treatment isn’t working and she is facing knee replacement, while another family member is preparing for cancer surgery and chemo.

Having a thankful heart, however, is not the same as giving thanks. Giving thanks is an active verb, not a passive condition. God wants our gratitude, but he also wants action behind it.

Doing Good in the Face of Evil

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” – Romans 12:9 (ESV)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about listening to the Holy Spirit for wisdom. In that post, I was referring to wisdom in the context of caring for ourselves. Today, I’m going to talk about it in a different context.

In James 1:5, the Bible says that if anyone asks God for wisdom, it will be given to him. Isn’t that a great promise? So how is it, then, that we are less than a month away from the U.S. election, and there are so many of us seeking wisdom, and yet we still don’t know what the right decision is with regards to voting?

One of the most life-changing Bible studies I have ever done is Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. In it, the authors discuss different ways in which God speaks to us: through the Bible, prayer, church, wise counsel, circumstances, and of course, through the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is filled with men and women who made poor choices, so we can’t look to them as examples of what we should or shouldn’t do. What we can do, however, is look at what God himself – through His encounter with Moses and through Jesus – tells us about His will for our lives.

When Saying Yes Means Saying No

"Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 19:19

“Come on, it will be fun!” she said. “We can drive up together!”

The invitation was tempting. I had already stepped out of my comfort zone, committing to a retreat that was still a couple of months away, all the while knowing that during this season of the year I am prone to chronic migraines. Nevertheless, I wanted to get to know a few of the women in my support group better, and it sounded like a fun way to do it.

The problem now, however, was that my new friend wanted to take it a step further. She wanted me to drive together to the retreat, almost two hours away, in one car. To many people, that – three or four women on a road trip together – would sound like a blast. But to me, it was terrifying.

How does one explain to someone what it’s like to live with the unpredictability of chronic illness? Even more so, living with multiple chronic illnesses? While some people will say “you don’t have to explain yourself,” I felt bad. I didn’t want to appear like I was rejecting my friend, or her offer. But I had been there before.

Don't Hide Your Light

“Men do not light a lamp and put it under a basket. They put it on a table so it gives light to all in the house. – Matthew 5:15 (NLT)

As I walked towards the recreation building, off to the side of the church, I noticed the sky. It had turned dark and I knew that it wouldn’t be long before it would open up and begin pouring buckets. There had been so much flooding in the area recently, and I knew that more storms might mean I wouldn’t get home. It didn’t matter, though. I needed to be there.

I entered the building, and an older lady greeted me with a smile. “Are you here to pray, or for the other meeting?” I told her I was there to pray, and she directed me to a table of women who already had their heads bowed.

I was new to the church and didn’t know what to expect. All I knew was that an hour beforehand, I had dropped my daughter off at her school bus stop, waited until she was on the bus safely, and then went home and sobbed. It was her first day of middle school, a day we had planned for all summer. Despite her nervousness, it was a day we were excited about. But it was not off to a good start.

Releasing the Ghosts of the Past

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” Philippians 3:13 (NLT)

I hadn’t looked at my high school yearbooks in years. There was no need. That was then. This is now. I had moved on. Or so I thought.

As I reached up into the living room cabinet and took one down, I could feel the memories flooding back. Opening the cover, I could hear the spine crackling, as if the book was an ancient artifact, fragile from years of storage.

I felt a sense of dread come over me. Sure, there were some good times back then, but buried in that book were memories that haunted me right down to the core of my soul. These were not just a few bad moments. These were the kinds of ghosts that I had spent years trying to exorcise from my mind, the kinds that would keep me locked up in a prison of guilt and shame, remorse and regret.

At the Crossroads: Go This Way!

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.” – Isaiah 30:21 (VOICE)

It was a rough night. I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. My head was aching and my heart was pounding, as the thoughts continued to whirl around in my mind. “Give me peace, Lord,” I prayed, but peace wasn’t to come. Deep inside me, a battle was raging. A battle between truth and deception. A struggle to discern what was right, and ultimately, which way to go.

Crossroads in life are rarely comfortable. I’m not talking about the easy, yes-no decisions we make every day. I’m talking about the hard ones. The ones that come with a cost, especially if you make a mistake. The ones that can be gut wrenching and keep you up at night.

There I was, at a crossroads, again.

I don’t like these places. They scare me. I want the facts to be clear, the decision cut and dried, the answer to be easy. But that’s rarely the case, is it?

So often, those crossroads moments sneak up on us. A sideways glance. A nagging feeling here and there. A piece of evidence that doesn’t add up.

Pretty soon, though, those little pieces of evidence start to pile up in front of us. Like a jigsaw puzzle coming together, we start to see a bigger picture.

The problem is when the picture we are seeing now isn’t the picture we saw before.

Did the puzzle pieces come from the same box? Did I get it wrong from the start? Or did I jump into an unfinished canvas, and the artist changed course midstream? 

“Give me wisdom,” I prayed.

I knew God would answer that prayer. 

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” – James 1:15

As the sun arose over my sleepless night, I got up, determined to validate what I knew in my heart. I searched for knowledge and found it readily. I prayed for discernment and was able to sift fact from fiction. I prayed for wisdom, and found confirmation and validation for all I had been seeing and hearing and feeling for weeks, months, and possibly years.

But the crossroads was still there in front of me.

What do we do with knowledge and wisdom, once we have it in hand? How do we know which way to go?

One of the truths I was reminded of recently was that prayer was never designed to be a speech, but rather a conversation. Yes, it’s a time to share our hearts with the Lord. But it’s also a time to listen.

The prophets knew what it was to be at a crossroads, to be facing big challenges that required big decisions. At one of those crossroads, the prophet Elijah discovered something remarkable. 

As he stood on a mountaintop, weighted down with despair and trying to decide whether to live or die, hide or fight for his faith, he waited for the Lord. Scripture says that when the Lord passed by, there was a raging wind, a powerful earthquake and a blazing fire.

After Moses encountered God in the burning bush, Elijah probably expected to find Him there in one of those big, obvious signs, just as we want Him (and His answers) to appear to us in neon lights. There would be no mistaking it, then! And yet, the Bible says Elijah did not find Him there.

After the wind, after the earthquake, after the fire … came a still, small voice. Elijah was still. He was listening. And he heard it. The voice of God. Telling him what he needed to hear: which way to go.

Two hundred years later, God told Isaiah to remind the people of this truth.

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.” – Isaiah 30:21

He reminds us to listen for His voice.

His voice, the passage says, lines up with His commandments. We can find His still, small voice through scripture.

His voice was heard through the mouths of the prophets. We can find His still, small voice through the wise counsel of biblically grounded Christians.

His voice was heard in the quiet. We can find His still, small voice through prayer.

His voice is sweet. We can recognize it by the love it conveys and the peace it brings to our hearts.

Today, my path is clear. I am no longer at a crossroads. I have heard the voice of the Lord saying “Go this way!” and I am traveling in that direction. I don’t have all the answers, and don’t know the final destination on this particular avenue of my life. But I know I am going the right way. All the signs point in that direction. And I have peace, knowing the Lord is behind me, charting my path, whispering “go!”


What big decisions are you facing? Have you prayed for wisdom and discernment? Have you sought out God’s still, small voice? Where is He calling you to go today?

At the Crossroads: Go This Way! originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace.

Subscribe to Spring Sight

How Bad Is It Really? Perception vs Realty

The Real RD Fact #5: Rheumatoid disease is often an invisible illness.

This is the first article on rheumatoid disease (RD/RA/rheumatoid arthritis) written for Rheumatoid Awareness Day. It is centered on RD Fact #5: Rheumatoid disease is often an invisible illness.

The words from the company CEO cut into me like a knife. “I’m sorry, but the truth is that perception is reality,” he said.

It wasn’t the first time I had heard that, and it wasn’t the last. But it didn’t hurt any less. The truth didn’t matter. I was being judged by outward appearances, not by what was really going on. And even a valid explanation wasn’t going to do. To him, perception was all that mattered. Everything else – my feelings, or even the facts – was irrelevant.

If you’ve ever been misjudged, you know how much it hurts. It hurts when you’re misjudged by strangers, and it is even more painful when it is by family or friends. “Don’t they know me better than that?” you find yourself saying. And yet, seemingly, they don’t.

Unfortunately, being judged or misjudged is a frequent occurrence in the life of those with rheumatoid disease. It comes with the territory of having an “invisible illness,” one with few outward symptoms.

I find myself battling the “perception vs reality” war often. On-the-water selfies have become a tradition for me and my kayaking husband, as they serve to document our paddling travels. Likewise, my tween daughter and I love to play “silly face” with the camera, frequently posting our antics on social media for our friends to see and to preserve our fun memories when they pop up later in our Facebook feeds.

The only problem with this is that with every picture of fun that is posted, the perception becomes that I’m never suffering with my rheumatoid disease. But why would I post all about the pain? The last thing I want to be is a public whiner, and I really do try and keep a positive outlook. Even my sunny posts designed to encourage others often do double duty, encouraging me when I need a lift.

Then there is the “fake it till you make it” scenario. That was me this morning. Dead tired, with a knee that had throbbed all day yesterday, I dressed up in business attire for a meeting. I was greeted with “Oh, you’re looking great!” by several people. I smiled, thanked them, and tried my best to stay focused on the issue at hand, when inside I was wishing I had been able to rest at home a little longer and wear my comfortable sweats and tennies.

*Sigh* Perception vs reality at work again. I knew that my appearance would make an impression, and I couldn’t afford to be judged a slob. Despite how I felt when I woke up this morning, or how I feel any other day, I am determined not to give into my disease. So I suit up and show up. Day in, day out.

Of course, the issue with keeping your pain from others on a regular basis is that there will in fact be times you can’t fake it and you can’t make it. When you’re too tired to work and you have to take a nap. When your feet hurt too bad to stand and do the dishes. When you have to wear the comfy (frumpy) clothes because your hands can’t manage buttons and zippers. When you (literally) can’t move off the couch or kneel at your child’s bedside to tell them that story you promised.

It is in those honest moments - when we are too overcome with pain or fatigue - that we are at our most vulnerable. To those around us, we may seem lazy. Slobby. Slouchy. Pathetic even. Because we were “just fine yesterday” we are perceived as whiners today. The reality, however, could not be further from the truth.

Ask anyone with rheumatoid disease, and we want to do more. We grieve the loss of our time with others. We guilt ourselves too, over not being all that we would like to be as employees, as parents, as spouses, as friends, even as adult children who would like to do more for our aging parents. We want to be more too. More active. More fun. More healthy. More … of all we used to be, before our autoimmune disease lay claim to our lives.

The truth of an invisible illness like rheumatoid arthritis is that perception clearly does not equal reality. The question is what will you do about it? Having an invisible illness gives me a choice of whether to stay steeped in my own pain, or whether to live as a fraud.  For me, it is about balance. I will find joy where I can, celebrate the tiny moments of pleasure, endure the pain, and be honest about who I am. RD affects me every day. There is no escaping that. But it does not define me. And for that, I am grateful.

If you have an invisible illness like rheumatoid disease, how do you balance perception versus reality? If you aren’t chronically ill, how do you perceive those who are? How much of a challenge is it to accept that their reality may be different – and more painful - than the positive image they are projecting?

How Bad Is It Really? Perception vs Reality originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Grace Esedeke's EncourageMe Monday, Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday.

Subscribe to Spring Sight

We will never share your information with third parties.

We Got This!

“I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

It was late. I was tired. She was angry. And suddenly, I was so very grateful we had opted for a savings account over a piggy bank.

What seemed to be a very simple problem, with a very easy answer, was quickly blowing up into a volcano of erupting emotions.

No, she was NOT going to listen to the radio station known for playing raunchy songs with sexually explicit lyrics. Not at 11 years old. And absolutely not in my house. I didn’t care if it played her favorite “Whip and Nay Nay” dance tune. I would find it on another station or buy it for her on iTunes. But her radio station of choice was not going to be the one she’d be listening to it on.

We had gone through this a few days before. After the last fight, I just grabbed the clock radio, pulling the plug from the wall, and took it back to my room, which is where it had originated from anyway.

I thought I had found the solution. A new (well, reclaimed from the guest room) clock radio, with a better tuning dial that clearly showed which station it was set on. That would kill the argument of, “Well, I’m not even sure if it is on that station!”

Nice thought, but it wasn’t working. Tonight the “discussion” had taken a nosedive from “Mom, stop being so old fashioned!” to her defiantly telling me she would just buy another clock radio herself, if I took this one away.

It was in that instant that I was so very, very glad all of my daughter’s money was locked up safe in the bank, and not in her little hands. She might be able to feel defiant, but she couldn’t actually act on it.

I would love to tell this story just from a parent’s point of view, but I can’t. After all, how similar are we to adolescents in our relationship with God? How many times does He try and tell us, from that small whisper in our ear to what feels like being beaten over the head with a stick, “Stop it! That isn’t good for you!” And yet, we continue to do what’s bad for us anyway. Just as my daughter only knows the radio station plays the “Whip and Nay Nay” song, and is largely unaware of the other really bad content on it, we rush headlong into situations in our own lives, blind to the unseen dangers that God is trying to protect us from.

We need to learn to trust Him who sees the bigger picture.

Thankfully, God sometimes does the choosing for us. He holds onto our desires, like money in the bank, until we are ready to use them wisely. The door closes to a job opportunity we wanted … opening the door for the better one around the corner. A relationship breaks up before the wedding … only to be saved a long life of painful strife with the “wrong one.”

Other times, we are left to our own devices. It is there that the well-known saying “Pride comes before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18) rings true. Just like an 11-year-old, we scream and cry, “But everyone is doing it!” and “God, I know what I’m doing!” And just like the prodigal son, when our emotional piggy bank is empty, we find out the hard way that God’s instructions really were meant for our good, and come crawling back to Him on our knees. We find ourselves once again thankful for His grace, mercy and love; thankful for a Parent who will not only take us back into His shelter, without saying “I told you so,” but who will continue to teach us the right way in which to go.

So which way do we go when our children want to go astray? We know the mistakes we’ve made and we know there’s nothing we wouldn’t do to try and keep our kids from experiencing the same pain. Sometimes, in our efforts, in our struggles – as we go toe-to-toe – it’s easy to feel alone. Answers don’t come easily, and sometimes it feels like there’s no one there to back you up. Fortunately, that’s not the case.

Just as our Father guides us as children, He is also there to guide us as parents.

Eight years of single parenting, between my divorce and my current marriage, tells me I can’t do this parenting thing alone. Yes, you heard right. I can’t do it alone. I couldn’t do it then, and I can’t do it now. With or without a spouse, my only hope is in my Heavenly Father. And my only strength is in Christ Jesus.

You see, the Bible says I can do all things through Christ Jesus. Not a few things. Not most things. All things. And yet, in John 15:5, it also says I can do nothing without Him. So, whether it’s in parenting or any other aspect of my life, my ability to succeed is based on one thing alone: complete dependence upon Him.

James 4:2 says, “You do not have because you do not ask.” Are you asking for God’s wisdom? His patience? His love and grace? My experience in life says I must first ask and receive it for myself, before I can give it away. If I want to guide my child into all truth and righteousness, I must find it first. And it’s there, in His Word, and in relationship with Him.

I’m not sure what parenting challenge I will face tonight. But whatever it is, I can go into it confidently, with God leading the way, knowing “We got this!”

What life challenges – parenting or otherwise – are you facing today? Are you trying to tough it out alone or will you let God be your guide? He is with you, wherever you go!

We Got This! originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins.  Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

Subscribe to Spring Sight by Email Your privacy is very important. Your email address will not be shared with any 3rd parties. 

Today I am linking up with:

   

Keep It Shut

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” – Psalm 19:14

I’ve always known I talked too much. It’s an embarrassing fact. My parents have told me. My sister too. Even my husband, patient as he is (and a very good listener), will occasionally have to stop me and remind me that he too has a time schedule to keep, and that listening to a play-by-play of my day is taking up a bit too much of it.

What I don’t always recognize, though, is that it’s not just the quantity of words that may be the turnoff for people. It’s the quality. Ouch! Yes, it hurts even to say it to myself, but it’s true. I need a filter on my words.

I can be quick to judge people on what comes out of their mouths. I can only take a limited amount of profanity before I’ll walk away or turn off a movie. And when I hear the Lord’s name taken in vain, it may as well be fingernails on a chalkboard. Drives. Me. Crazy!

But what about what I say? What is it that comes out of my mouth that makes people walk away from me?

This past week, I was making the rounds of reading my favorite blogger posts and kept running into an ad for a book written by Christian author and speaker Karen Ehman. It’s called Keep It Shut. I would love to say I’ve read it, especially since she and I are connected via a writers group, but alas, I just discovered it. I wish I had sooner. Subtitled What to say, how to say it, and when to say nothing at all, I clearly need this book! For there’s no one who has a bigger case of Foot-in-Mouth disease than I do.

As I saw this message “Keep It Shut” over and over again, I became more and more convicted about my problem. Earlier in the week, the anniversary of the loss of my father coincided with another event, which led to me revisiting a past hurt. Unable to just casually shake it off, I wrote about my hurt feelings and posted it online. A few of my friends who read it consoled me, and I felt better. Until yesterday. When I saw that I had done the very same thing to someone else, went to apologize to her, and she graciously brushed it away as no big deal. “It happens,” she said. Ugh. Yes, it does. But it took me and my big mouth to make it into a monumental big deal. Online. For everyone to see.

For all I love to talk about grace, the words I had written spoke of a heart sorely lacking in it. 

Self-pity had gotten the best of me, and if that weren’t bad enough, I had to talk about it. Not a pretty sight, in others’ eyes or in the Lord’s. I immediately hid my post from my timeline, but it was like taking an eraser to a manuscript written in pen. The imprint was there, in my mind and in the minds of everyone else who had read it.

Spoken or written, words are something we may try and take back, but the damage has already been done. That is why the Bible is full of cautionary notes about watching what we say, even going so far as to call the tongue “evil.”

“Do you see a man hasty with his words? There is more help for a fool than for him.” – Proverbs 29:20

Yes, there is no doubt, when it comes to what we say sometimes, we are often worse off than fools. Have you ever considered the impact of your careless words? Mine have cost me a lot. Friendships. Relationships. A promotion. Even a job.

Sometimes our faux pas are innocent blunders, rooted in all the right intentions. How many times have I tried to “be there” for someone else, attempting to show empathy by sharing my own story, only to come across as it being all about me? Or I excitedly call to share my happy news about a new job, only to learn – after I get through telling them all about it – that the person on the other end of the phone has just lost theirs.

Oh, to remember that God gave me two ears and one mouth, and to use them in that order!

There’s a reason personal success coach and author Stephen Covey included “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. We need to listen before speaking, so we can gauge the appropriateness of what we want to say.

At other times, however, it’s not my ears that need engaging: it’s my brain. Specifically, the part that says STOP!

If I would engage my brain before opening my mouth or sharing online, I might actually remember to ask these pertinent questions: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it helpful? I’ll add in one other question too: Is it necessary? Keeping that one little question in mind before I open my mouth would save me a whole lot of trouble, online and off! Does everyone really need my opinion? Probably not. And as for fixing sticky situations that perhaps my initial wrong word got me in to begin with, over-explaining and belated apologies have never served me well. Sometimes it’s best to just leave things alone.

Coming from a family of talkers, the idea of not saying anything is a foreign concept, but an important one to learn.

A great piece of advice, one frequently taught to children, is a quote by Charlie Brown from the Peanuts comic strip: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. It was originally meant to dampen that brutal honesty young children have, when they blurt out their opinions without any thought about the feelings of others. You know the scenario. “You look fat in that dress, Mommy!” your child says as you’re walking out the door. As your confidence plummets, you wish she had just said nothing at all.

What if you applied that same Charlie Brown rule to the way you speak to your spouse, your coworkers, or even the cashier at the supermarket? And how about applying it to how to talk to yourself?

Have you ever noticed the pairing of “mouth” and “heart” in the Bible? Psalm 19:14 says “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD…”  Beyond the occasional blunder, our words often reflect the condition of our hearts. That means the only real cure for Foot-in-Mouth disease is a heart transplant. Fortunately for us, that’s the business God’s into, as our Great Physician and Healer.

The only real cure for Foot-in-Mouth disease is a heart transplant

Jesus said all of God’s commandments could be summarized into two: love God and love others. It is in this light that we must examine our words. In loving God, do we complain and whine about our lot in life, or do our words show gratitude and honor to Him? In loving others, do our words criticize and cut down, or are we kind and respectful, waiting to hear what is on their hearts before sharing ours?

It may take time, but I’m ready to shed my Foot-in-Mouth disease. With much prayer and God’s help, perhaps one day my words will come out right. In the meantime, I will remember “When in doubt, keep it shut!”

How do you struggle with your mouth? Gossip, unkind words, boasting or complaining? Ask the Lord to show you where your heart struggle – pride, insecurity, unforgiveness, self-pity or ingratitude – may be showing through. 

Keep It Shut originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins.  Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

Subscribe to Spring Sight by Email Your privacy is very important. Your email address will not be shared with any 3rd parties. 

Today I am linking up with:

   

You're Not Alone: Five Ways Out of Loneliness

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” - Genesis 2:18

Everyone gets lonely sometimes. Some of us are better at it than others. When life gets stressful, I can find a million and one reasons for being lonely, and I bet you can too.

In my previous marriage to someone prone to workaholism, I frequently felt lonely as I waited indefinitely for him to get off the phone or the computer. After our divorce, when I was simultaneously crushed with grief, struggling as a single parent, and no longer a part of my married-couple social circle, I felt a new level of loneliness. Then illness came, with its various flavors of isolating effects. From not being able to drive at times, to not being physically able to participate in planned activities, it has driven me even further away from the vibrant social life I used to know.

In some ways, I have come to appreciate my slower lifestyle, as it gives me more time for introspection and contemplation. This blog would never have come to be without a lifestyle change. I just would have been too busy! And don’t get me wrong, I’m still a fairly busy person and my day-to-day responsibilities are hardly drudgery. I enjoy my work and the time I spend caring for my daughter, husband and other family members. I also take time for my church, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. But even in the midst of this, I sometimes get that longing for something…more. It’s a feeling of being disconnected, which seems strange in an era when we are SO “connected” via cell phones, email and social media. Yet, there it is. When I’m home alone and the phone doesn’t ring, I check my email and it’s all business, or the holiday passes and I didn’t get invited to the party…I start feeling a little lonely inside.

I suspect I am not alone in my loneliness. Yes, I bet you feel that way too. The good news is that neither of us have to stay that way. I’ve now experienced loneliness enough in my life to know how to effectively deal with it. Here is what I have found to be five ways out of it.

1. Give a smile and get one back. It seems simple, doesn’t it? Yes, it is! Really and truly, one of the best ways I have found to get myself out of a “funk” is to be as friendly as possible to those around me, especially with people who expect it least. Long line at the store, with frustrated customers and a frazzled checkout clerk? Smile and wish everyone a great day, and you’ll be amazed to see what happens. As the tension lifts and you get smiles of appreciation back, you’ll start to feel better too! Suddenly, the world will feel like a happier place. And it all started with you.

2. Get on – or off – social media. This is a tough one, but I know you can do it! I didn’t spend much time on Facebook until I found myself both working from home and unable to drive (for medical reasons) for six months. Talk about isolating! Facebook became my hero, my vehicle for staying connected to the rest of the world. Online communication has done wonders for many others with physical disabilities as well. Sometimes I check Facebook to see what’s going on in friends’ lives so I can ask them about it when we talk, and to enjoy their vacation pics. But there’s another side to social media that can actually make you feel worse, especially if you’re prone to envy. When everyone else is having a good time and you’re stuck at home, does seeing the posts bring you up or down? Do you feel happy to simply be a part of their life by observing it, or does it make you feel left out? Take an honest look at social media and how it makes you feel. It may be time to use it for greater connection, or it may be time to give it a break. Which leads me to my next point…

3. Pick up the 1,000-pound telephone. OK, so this is my number one weakness. It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? If you’re lonely, call someone! And yet, in the midst of deadlines and other responsibilities, this is one area of my self-care that I tend to neglect. Perhaps it’s fear of rejection. Maybe it’s that I have been stuck at home ill and don’t have great stories to share, so I figure I have nothing to contribute to the conversation other than “woe is me.” Whatever the reason for your hesitation, mustering up the courage to pick up the phone is one of the best ways of tackling your isolation. Take the focus off your insecurities by asking your friend how they are doing. Then end it with an invitation for a next step – whether it’s another call sometime, coffee or lunch. You may feel alone before the call, but it’s a good chance you won’t afterwards.

4. Become a part of something bigger. Usually, when I am feeling the loneliest, it is because I am focused on ME. My wants, my needs, my desires. What is the best cure? Focusing on something bigger than me. Psychologists have found a need for belonging is one of man’s greatest needs. So it’s no wonder we feel lonely when we set ourselves up to be all alone. Community is important, and teaming up with others for a good cause is a great way to get it. Get involved with your church or a non-profit and spend time helping others. If you can’t do it in person, do it online, even if it means just chiming in with some positive support for people who are struggling with similar health or life issues. You’ll feel connected, less lonely, and good about being able to help those less fortunate than you.

5. Make time for the One who loves you most. This may be last on my list here, but it’s my personal first go-to when I’m feeling lonely. The fact is, we can’t ease the deepest sense of our longings and heal our loneliness ourselves, or even with other people. You see, there is a God-shaped hole in our hearts that can only be filled with Him. Believe me, I have tried filling that hole with everything else, and it just doesn’t work. The Bible is full of reassurances that God loves me, and reading those can often help me realize that I am never really alone in this world. I can also feel Him in my spirit when I am in prayer, or out in nature, seeing all the beauty He has created. But while God says He will never leave me (Deut. 31:6), I have to make time to recognize Him and to embrace the great love He offers. It is only then that I can find true inner peace and fulfillment.

God does not want you to feel lonely, my friend. In Genesis, God said of the first human being, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will give him a helper,” and created woman. That is why we were given the gift of marriage and of community with others. We are in this together. With Him. You may feel lonely sometimes, but you are never alone.

When do you feel the loneliest? Which of these five ways out of loneliness have you tried, and which have worked the best for you? When you feel lonely, God is there! Cry out to Him and let Him show you how to feel less alone.

You're Not Alone: Five Ways Out of Loneliness originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins.  Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

Subscribe to Spring Sight by Email Your privacy is very important. Your email address will not be shared with any 3rd parties. 

Today I am linking up with:

   

Putting on My Big Girl Panties

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29

If Monday mornings aren’t difficult enough already, starting one out with a massive migraine headache made it even tougher for me to drag myself out of bed at the beginning of this week. In all truthfulness, I didn’t.

As I pressed my fingers into my temple and the back of my neck, hoping to apply enough pressure to stop the painful pulsating in my veins that made my head want to explode, my astute husband could tell I wasn’t faking “sick” and without a word, he got my daughter ready and over to her elementary school. It was at least another hour before my body recovered enough for me to open my eyes and be willing to face the world. “Thank goodness I’m married and self-employed!” I thought to myself, as I rolled over and looked at the clock. Nine-thirty.

Even with the late start, I would have been more than happy to have spent the day in bed. My head was still throbbing, albeit more subtly, and my body felt as if it were recovering from an automobile accident. I hurt. Everywhere.

When I finally did get up and over to my home office, I did my usual quick Facebook check and thought about what I would post as a status update. “Migraines suck,” I typed. I was sure I would get a lot of sympathy “likes” on that post, especially from fellow migraine sufferers. But then, I stopped. I thought for a minute. What if…? “What if I do something different today?” I asked myself. Not to take away from my “be real” philosophy, but I decided to step out of my pain and into the shoes of my friends. What did they need today? To hear my complaints, or to find something uplifting in what I had to share? What if I made a conscious choice to focus on the good and only to let positivity pass through my lips…for one whole day?

I thought about a couple of Bible verses related to this. “Only (say) what is helpful for building others up according to their needs…“ (Ephesians 4:29) and “Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.” (Philippians 4:8).

“OK, God,” I prayed. “We’ll try it your way this time.”

Taking a cue from the verse in Philippians, to dwell on the good things in others, I deleted my yet unpublished “Migraines suck” status and replaced it with a challenge to my Facebook friends. “Who all is excited that it’s Monday? Anyone got big plans this week? If you’ve got good news or you’re just happy it’s the beginning of a new week, share it!”

The response was exactly what I needed. Instead of just “likes” on the post, my friends shared all kinds of exciting news. Soon, I was smiling too! Their good news took me out of my pain and into their joy. Huh! This little social experiment was starting to pay some dividends.

The day progressed, from one event to the next. Work in the morning. Lunch with my mother and friends. Errands in the afternoon. My daughter’s school play that evening. No matter how I felt (as my headache turned to nausea), I was determined to keep going and to put forth a smile when I encountered others.  I listened more intently. I encouraged more fervently. I empathized more joyfully. Did my pain and illness go away? No. But did my outlook improve? You bet it did. When I took the focus off me, then I was able to experience more of the beauty in others. And by the end of the day, I was able to count more of my own blessings as well!

Oftentimes, no matter what kind of pain we are going through, we are faced with having to “put our big girl (or boy) pants on” and do what we need to do, regardless. We don’t have the option of putting our life on hold or taking endless sick days. Life goes on. Our lives need to go on! It is on those days that it’s to our benefit to hold tight to those words of Scripture which encourage us to focus on the good – even if that means focusing entirely on others. After all, misery doesn’t really love company, does it? But rather, joy begets joy! And all the while, God’s grace abounds and we find ourselves blessed.

Where are you in your pain today? Are you able to take your mind off it for a little while, so that you can take in the joy that others can share with you? Take a moment to ask God to give you the strength to do what you need to do today, and to give you the opportunity to experience His grace and love through others you encounter along the way.

Putting on My Big Girl Panties originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins.  Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

Subscribe to Spring Sight by Email Your privacy is very important. Your email address will not be shared with any 3rd parties.