Adjusting Your Expectations

#RDBlog Week 2019

Expectations. We all have them. We have hopes and dreams, as well as plans for turning them into reality. But what happens when you get hit with a chronic, incurable illness like rheumatoid disease? It is so easy to feel shattered, as if all your hopes and dreams have flown right out the window.

Five years ago, I went to my dermatologist to find a treatment for rosacea and ended up with a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. Boy, did I not see that coming! Well, okay, the truth is that I absolutely saw it coming...for at least six months before I got the results of my blood work. My hands hurt every night and I hobbled across the floor each morning, struggling with each painful step. I knew something was not right, but I definitely did not want to hear those two dreaded initials: RA.

My life, five years into having RA, is definitely different than it was before. It's better.

I cried when I got the news. And when I read the material the doctor handed me about treatments and the long-term ramifications of RA, I cried even more. What about the plans I had for my life? What about the hopes and dreams I shared with my husband of just four months? I thought that life as I knew it was over. And you know what? It was. My life today is not what it was then. It's better.

If you didn't catch what I just said, listen up, because it's the truth: My life, five years after my rheumatoid disease diagnosis, is better than it was. Is it perfect and pain-free? No, it is not. Am I in remission? Nope.

The simple difference between then and now is that I have adjusted my expectations.

Prior to developing RA, I was working on obtaining and maintaining a "beach body." I was working out hard and dieting to get down to my ideal body. It was hard, but I was doing it. What I couldn't figure out, however, was why I was so very, very tired every day and it was getting worse. Little did I know that the fatigue of RA was beginning to set in. I felt like a wuss. I was stressed out trying to get my body to measure up to what I thought I should be capable of. And when I couldn't keep up the pace and the weight began to creep back on, I felt like a failure.

Today, I weigh 30 pounds more than I did when I achieved my "ideal" weight. Do I love that? No, of course I don't! Here's the deal, though. I have learned over the past five years that my identity is not tied to a number. It is not tied to the weight on the scale or the size of my clothes. I am ME and I have come to know myself in a deeper way since having RA and I have come to like myself for who I am. That is a gift that I would not have if it were not for living with my disease.

It would not be fair to skip over the struggles to get here, and to talk about the other expectations I have had to adjust. With regards to my diet and exercise program, I have learned there are things I can and can't do with RA, and there are things I can and can't control.

I CAN overcome my tendency to be a couch potato in order to be healthier. I can get up and walk around my neighborhood or the mall, and I can take the stairs instead of the elevator. I can limit myself to a 65-calorie mini chocolate bar as an evening treat and skip the dessert tray or a full-size package of candy. Those are things I can control...and they can make a difference. I could not do much aerobic activity after shoulder surgery, however, and being couch-bound for even just six weeks packed on some pounds. So did taking Prednisone. Even my migraine medication had weight gain as a side effect. And those "beach body" workouts I used to do? All those do now is to put me in a flare that will set me back even more. Can I still kayak, hike, and exercise? You bet. But "easy does it" has become my mantra. Look back in my blog and you'll see I even hiked the Grand Canyon a couple of years ago! I just knew to adjust my expectations and to not push myself beyond my limits.

I can't control everything RA does to my body, and so I have found my best way to deal with it is to accept the best version of myself, whatever that looks like.

Accepting what you can and cannot control is part of life. Even if I didn't have RA, I can't control everything and everyone around me. My daughter is a teenager now. Need I say more? Perhaps that's why the oldest saying in the book is this: "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans!" None of us can say for certain what our lives will look like in five, ten or twenty years ... or heck, even next week! So for me, I have found the best way to live is one day at a time.

As far as my body goes, I am not where I used to be, before I got hit with RA. But I am nowhere near where I feared I might be, either. My medications have been effective, with few side effects, and I am still mobile. If I ever am disabled by RA, though, I will be prepared. I think about accessibility in our current home and the one we eventually plan to build. I occasionally think about learning voice recognition software, in case my hands begin to give me more trouble.

I have learned to listen to my body so I don't end up in a flare. And those naps I used to feel like a "wuss" if I took? Today, I know that when my body says it's time to rest, I make no apologies. With RA, self care is of utmost importance, including the need to say "no" to doing too much.

Adjusting expectations isn't just an RA thing. It's a life skill. We all change, from the day we are born until the day we die. The way to deal with it is through acceptance. How do I accept the changes I don't like? That is where I have to reach beyond the physical to the spiritual for answers. My faith is what helps me navigate the roller coaster of life with RA. You see, this is what God tells me:

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

When I keep those words in mind, it is easier to adjust my day-to-day expectations. Because in the big picture, my expectation is that everything will work out just fine.

Peace, love and joy to you today.

Linda

Adjusting Your Expectations originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook. 

Healing from Within: Turning Away from Toxicity

"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." - Colossians 3:2

What if I were to tell you that there is a way to start healing your body immediately, without any drugs or special diets? Would you try it?

There isn’t anyone I know, especially within the chronic illness community, who wouldn't say yes. We are all longing for something to make us feel better.

The burden of chronic illness is not apparent to those outside of our world. We may look fine on the outside, and may even be able to perform our daily activities as if we were not ill. But those of us who have lived with illness day after day, year after year, know the burdens we carry. They are not light. There is a heaviness in our hearts, knowing that we will never get well.

As our symptoms come and go, and the bottles of medicines stack up on our nightstands, we are reminded that we are not like other people. We hesitate to make plans in advance, for we don’t know how we will feel that day. We cancel lunches with friends we love because they’ve come down with a bad cold, and if we catch it, that may take us down a path we can’t recover from.

We watch what we eat, we do the exercises that are prescribed, we get stuck with needles on a regular basis, and we go to countless doctor visits. Sometimes it feels like all we have time for is tending to our health. It’s draining.

What I’ve recently realized, however, is that there’s something that can make us feel even worse: toxic thinking. That can take a variety of forms, from self-pity to anger at family members who just don’t “get” that you’re really sick. One particular topic that has been top-of-mind and become quite toxic for me, however, is politics. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed discussing and debating, but lately, not so much. And while you may not think it’s relevant to this blog, read on.

Time to Get Back on That Horse?

“I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.”
Philippians 4:13 NABRE

We had just arrived at the dude ranch for our family reunion and were checking in when the desk clerk, a friendly woman with a broad smile and long blonde hair flowing out from under her bedazzled black cowboy hat, asked the inevitable question: “Are you interested in riding today?”

The next trail ride was in 45 minutes and, given that it was 3:00 in the afternoon on a hot summer day in west Texas, no one had signed up yet. There were plenty of spots open. Was I interested? Yes. Would I be able to do it? That was the question.

The last time I had ridden a horse was seven months before, and to call it a pleasant experience would have been a stretch. My left knee, one of the joints I’ve had trouble with since the onset of my rheumatoid arthritis (RA), was not happy. Truthfully, it felt as if it were being twisted right off my leg. No matter how hard I tried to get comfortable, I couldn’t, and I pretty much decided that perhaps my riding days were over.

While I remember the physical pain I was in during that trail ride, what sticks in my mind the most was the disappointment I felt. With the way my knee was hurting, I was not planning to ever ride again, which made me sad.

I had been around horses my entire life, from the time my daddy sat me up on top of “Kate,” the old mare at my grandfather’s farm, when I was about three. My uncle was a Texas rancher, married to a professional cowgirl, and when I was in high school in England, my sister and I spent a lot of time at the nearby stables where we learned to jump. Even though riding had been only an occasional pastime for me as an adult, it was still something I loved to do when I had a chance.

So here I was, at a decision point. Could I accept the ride seven months beforehand as my last time on horseback or should I try again? Would I take a chance and get back on a horse, or would I sit it out?

13 Reasons Why {Not}

"So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you." - Isaiah 41:10

It was an ordinary Friday night. We had just gone to dinner as a family and were settling down in front of the TV, talking about what to watch.

"You should watch 13 Reasons Why, Mom," my daughter said. "It's really good!"

Curious about the show she had mentioned once before, I looked online to see if there was more information on it before making a decision. Why yes, there was. A whole lot of positive reviews for its direction and creativity, and a whole lot of talk from parents and psychologists expressing concern over the graphic content and messaging that was making suicide hotlines light up like Christmas trees.

If you don't have a tween or teen, you might not have heard of the latest show on Netflix, which is based on a novel in which a teenage girl commits suicide. The "13 reasons why" refer to 13 messages she left for individuals whose actions played a part in her decision to take her life.

I will be the first to tell you I haven't seen the show and I don't plan to. I will also say that the same night I learned about it, I took steps to adjust the parental controls on my TV and my daughter's cell phone.

There are some who think we as parents should watch the show "to understand what our teens face" in today's world. By all means, if you grew up in an untarnished, sheltered environment, perhaps this is the eye opener you need. Drinking, drugs, bullying and date rape...it's all there, graphically depicted (apparently).

But as for me, I haven't always lived in the light. I have touched that darkness - the despair, the depression, the shame, the hopelessness - and was almost swallowed up by it. I'm not going back. And I'm certainly not taking my 12-year-old back with me.

When I began writing this blog almost three years ago, it was to give people hope. Living with chronic illness is not easy. Depression is common, and suicide is not unheard of. When the pain feels like it will never end, when your life feels over, it is easy to give up. There are those who do. But I'm here to tell you - DON'T. 

I spent the first few months of this year in daily, intense pain from chronic migraines. If you have ever had a true migraine, you will know what I mean when I say it's not just a headache. At one point, during a trip to New York, I rocked back and forth on the bed, holding my head, crying and screaming, "Please help me. Somebody, help me!" Not long afterwards, I went into the bathroom and threw up, before crawling back into bed and finally passing out from the pain.

If ever there was a degree of physical pain that made me feel like giving up, it has been during episodes of severe migraine. I have literally felt like dying at times, because I thought I couldn't handle the pain even one more minute.

And yet, here I am.

Thankfully, God designed our bodies not to remember physical pain. I can tell you what happened, and generally how I felt, but I can't re-live the pain itself. Unfortunately, that isn't the case with emotional scars. Those wounds can sometimes take a lifetime to heal, and when they are reopened, they can hurt just as much as when the initial pain was inflicted.

When I am hurting physically, I may feel like dying, but when the pain goes away, life looks sunny again. It's easy to then see that "this too shall pass" because it really does. Even with chronic illness, there are moments when the pain dissipates enough to find moments of joy. It's important to look for those, because it helps you endure the rest of the time. Looking at my photos from New York, no one would ever know I had spent half the trip in pain, because the rest of the time, I was all smiles! Yes, there were a few of those pics where I was in "fake it 'til you make it" mode, but for the most part, I managed to salvage some really great moments that far outweighed the nightmare migraines I endured.

We have to be careful with emotional pain, though. I don't know who coined the phrase "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me," because that's just not true. Harsh words, coming from friends or family members, cut deep. We begin to believe what we hear, and wonder if we really are OK...or not. 

Our mistakes can hurt too. When I look back at my teen years and even into my 20's, it's easy to beat myself up over the many poor decisions I made. I may have changed my ways, but the consequences of those decisions didn't just disappear. There are so many times I have wished I could go back and have a "redo."

And sexual violence and abuse...well, that pain cut to the very core of who I was, and it took years of therapy for the flashbacks and nightmares to stop. I can still remember hands holding me down, then the hand placed over my mouth as I cried out in pain, ordered to "shut up!" because someone might hear; and the sting of my tears when it hit me that I was not a virgin anymore.

Night after night, for many years, I cried out to the Lord, "Why God, why?" I certainly could have come up with 13 good reasons to take my life. And yet, I did not. Growing up in the church, I was told suicide was the one unforgivable sin, because how can you confess killing yourself when you are already dead? I'm not sure that God in His infinite mercy wouldn't have forgiven me, but I do know that was not the only thing that kept me alive. 

The words spoken by God in Isaiah 41:10 are powerful. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you. Every moment of every day in which I have been in either physical or emotional pain, I have had to remember them. God will help me. God is with me. God will save me.

Despite my health situation, despite my poor choices, despite whatever bad things I have believed about myself, and despite the physical and psychological trauma I have experienced, I have held on to those promises: God will help me. God is with me. God will save me.

And you know what? He has.

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has a plan for us...a good one! The only way to find out about that plan, though, is to live it out. We have to wade through the mud, fight the battles, and allow God to cut away entanglements that hold us back, in order to reach the promised land He has for us. Sometimes it isn't easy. Sometimes, we aren't sure we are going to make it, or whether it's worth it. But it is. It always is. How do we know? Because He says so.

Back in my younger days, surrounded by darkness and not seeing much light ahead of me, I could have found 13 reasons why my life wasn't worth living. Today, looking back in hindsight, I can find 13 reasons - and more - that God wanted me to hold on for. 

If I were able to talk to my teenage self and tell her the 13 reasons why not to take her own life, here are what they would be:

1. God has a plan for you - a good one - and you will get to hold His hand through your entire journey, finding more comfort and joy, peace and love than you ever thought possible.

2. You may not realize it, but you're not alone. A lot of people look perfect on the outside, but their life is messy too. Even Jesus suffered through gossip, betrayal, pain and loss. He gets what you're going through.

3. You think if you were only "good enough" those people will like you. The truth is, some people won't like you even if you're the most wonderful person in the world. That's more about them than it is about you.

4. You think your pain is never going to end, but I promise it will. One day, you'll graduate. One day, you'll move (or they will). One day, you'll meet people who like you just the way you are. One day, your broken heart will heal. One day, you won't just notice the rain. You'll see the sunshine and notice the flowers too.

5. Your parents aren't perfect. Neither are you. Do the best you can to deal with them, the same way they are doing the best they can to deal with you. That whole parenting thing is as hard for them as it feels to you.

6. Everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them. Learn from them, but forgive yourself too. God loves you, warts and all, and the Bible is full of people who have screwed up but God used them anyway! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will eventually get where you need to be.

7. You may feel powerless, but God is all powerful. Give your biggest problems to Him, do the next right thing, and leave the results to Him.

8. That rape or physical abuse? No, it's not your fault and don't let anyone say otherwise. You didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it. Stop blaming yourself and get some help instead.

9. Just because "everybody's doing it" doesn't mean you need to. There are many miserable people in the world, doing things they know aren't right. Don't become one, just to fit in. Live your values and you'll keep your confidence.

10. There isn't any problem that an alcoholic drink or drug (or act of self-harm) won't make worse. And even if you feel better momentarily, there will be a hefty price to pay the next day or even further down the road. Reach out for help instead.

11. When God feels far away, remember who's moved. He is always there for you. Don't forget to reach up.

12. Don't be a victim of "stinking thinking." Fill your mind with positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people. You have to look beyond your problems to find the solutions.

13. Life is like a rose: it is full of petals and thorns. Yes, sometimes it's painful, but there's an awful lot of beauty there too. Count your blessings every day. A little gratitude can go a long way.

Had I not chosen to live through the pain of my early years, I hate to think what I would have missed later on: quiet sunrises, gorgeous sunsets, warm embraces, wildflowers in the spring, happy smiles and travel across the miles. Every day, there is something new to look forward to.

The world is tough and pain is real. Just don't forget whose you are, and who's got your back! God will help you. God is with you. God will save you...every time.

Peace, joy and love to you today,

Linda

13 Reasons Why {Not} originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' Thoughtful Thursday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. I also link up often with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

Subscribe to Spring Sight (make sure to reply to the confirmation email to complete your subscription)

God is Listening

"But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears." - Psalm 18:6 (NLT)

As I look across this room today, I am sick of being sick. After battling an upper respiratory infection for weeks, with a cough that just won’t go away, on top of a painful shoulder and a sore foot, I am tired of hurting.

This is an unexpected feeling, because before Christmas, I was feeling pretty good. I felt like I was pretty much in remission with my RA, and I began a diet, hoping to get my pre-RA figure back.

Alas, with rheumatoid arthritis – or life in general, I guess - nothing is ever a straight line.

That is where trust comes in. Trust in myself? Ha, I wish. I’ve been down that road before, thinking that if I just try harder or work smarter, it will all work out. Unfortunately, I can’t control every facet of my life, the least of which is my chronic illness.

I don’t like being told I’m not in control. I am a linear thinker, which means I want to know that if I am in control of the input, then I can control the output. That isn’t real life, though, is it? There are so many variables, only a few of which I am really in control of.

I am fortunate to have found a good program, Pack Health, about a year ago, which set me on the path to taking better care of myself. I’ve been able to apply the strategies to my life and as a result, I feel much better overall. I’ve even begun writing blog pieces for them, so that others may benefit from my experience. That said, no program can prevent all the curveballs that autoimmune diseases can throw at us.

For me, the most frustrating aspect of living with RA is the inability to heal. I thought I was never going to recover from my shoulder surgery two years ago. I did, but not without a lot of hard work, some extra time, and only with the help of a DMARD (disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug). I hadn’t needed to be on a DMARD before, but my doctor made it clear I would never fully recover the use of my shoulder without reducing the inflammation in my body. Wow, what a difference!

Yet here I am again, with the other shoulder’s torn rotator cuff…and despite months of physical therapy, it still hurts. And while I was just feeling good about a daily walk through the neighborhood with my husband, along comes a constant pain in the bottom of my foot. In between visits to my physical therapist, my rheumatologist and my primary care physician (for that pesky sinus infection), I might actually make it to the podiatrist. Joy…another new medical experience!

Not to sound like negative Nellie, but sometimes you just have to get real. You know what I mean?

I tell you why I’m sharing all of my frustrations here. It’s so you know that I understand where you’re at. I know exactly how it feels to be fed up. Or maybe we should call it “beat up” because sometimes that’s more like it, isn’t it? The pain is more than just physical; it’s emotional too. I don’t know about you, but there are days I just want to curl up in bed, throw the covers over my head, and quit.

You know what keeps me going, though? It’s that still, small voice that says “I’m not finished yet.”

Yes, I believe it when God says in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has a plan for my life and it’s a good one. I believe Him when He says He doesn’t start something He isn’t planning to finish. And somehow, I don’t think He’s done with me yet.

There are enough times in the Bible that God says “Do not fear…I will go with you” to let me know that even right now, while I’m ready to give up, He is with me, cheering me on. Sometimes, it’s seeing a news clip that makes me realize I’m really not so bad off after all, compared with them, anyway. At other times, it’s my daughter, who makes me smile and yet also makes me see how much she needs me. And when I look back over my life, I can see where God really has been there during the hard times, carrying me until I could get back on my feet and walk again.

I know that when I close my eyes and pray, my prayers are heard. He hears my cries. I know, because at some point, the pain stops – even if just for a few moments – and I can feel His peace and His presence.

Whatever you are struggling with today, whether it is chronic illness or something else, you can be confident in a God who loves you and cares for you. He hears your cries too and says, through the words of Jesus, “Come to me, lay down your burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Peace, love and joy to you today.

Linda

God is Listening originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' Thoughtful Thursday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. I also link up often with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

Subscribe to Spring Sight (make sure to reply to the confirmation email to complete your subscription)

Quit Yer Bellyachin'

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Happy New Year! Or is it?

If the Christmas season is "the happiest time of the year" then is it any wonder that after all the tinsel and glittering decorations are packed back up in the attic (except in my house, of course, where we are total slowpokes about leaving the holiday season behind), there seems to be a period of letdown?

Yes, here we are in January, and 'tis the season to work on those resolutions. Whether you're trying to lose weight or get organized, this time of the year can just feel hard.

Gone are the holiday parties. Now it's time to work off the 10 pounds you put on while noshing on all that fabulous food consumed at them. Forget the tinsel and bows around the Christmas tree. Now you're trying to find a place to put it all, as you search for those financial files underneath the rolls of wrapping paper strewn across your office.

Where There is Hope {GIVEAWAY}

“The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.” 

– Psalm 147:11 (NIV)

Have you ever thought about how precious the gift of hope is? How lost we feel when we don’t have it? If you have ever been hopeless, you know exactly what I mean. I remember many years ago, when I had wandered away from God and made a mess of my life, feeling hopeless. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. But in desperation, I reached up to Him and He made me whole again. It wasn’t overnight. It was a process. But as I trusted His love for me, I began to see it becoming a reality.

In Government We Trust?

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” – Psalm 20:7 NIV

It’s been almost a week since the United States presidential election and protests directed at President-elect Donald Trump have become a daily occurrence. The LGBT community, Muslims and Hispanic immigrants are expressing concern over Trump’s campaign rhetoric that brought with it support from white supremacist, far-right wing groups that have become more vocal in recent days. Many are also outraged at his comments to and about women.

We in the chronic illness community have responded as well. Many didn’t appreciate the apparent mocking by Trump of a disabled man at one of his rallies. Many others have rightfully been concerned about healthcare. Most of us with chronic illnesses applauded Obamacare for its mandated coverage of pre-existing conditions, and yet, insurance rates under Obamacare have skyrocketed – especially for those in the middle class, without subsidies – making it a mixed bag of blessings and curses, to be sure.

As I sit in the middle of it all, I have watched both sides of the debate. I have seen the anger of my friends with small businesses and the self-employed, who were genuinely hurt by Obamacare. I have also seen the fear of those disabled by rheumatoid arthritis and other chronic illnesses, who desperately need and rely on government-sponsored healthcare.

Who will help us?

Familial Guilt: Is It My Fault? Is It Theirs?

"Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?" – John 9:2

I received a call from a dear family friend the other day. I hadn’t heard from her in a while and she needed to talk. After we got through a few minutes of small talk, she said she had to share something important with me: her teenage daughter had been diagnosed with glaucoma.

It began with a straightforward statement and explanation of the doctor’s finding. But then, mid-sentence, she broke down in tears.

“I feel so awful!” she cried. “The doctor says it’s genetic. It’s my fault!”

I listened as my sweet friend poured out her heart to me, so broken that her own genetic makeup – including several chronic illnesses – had been passed down to the next generation.

Familial guilt is all too common…and all too painful.

Just ask the parents of a child who has gone astray. No matter what they may have done right, their question is always “Where did we go wrong?” We blame ourselves when our perfect little babies don’t stay so perfect.

Caring for Yourself ... Wisely

"Use wisdom, and it will take care of you. Love wisdom, and it will keep you safe."
- Proverbs 4:6 (ICB)

Today is Day 2 of #RABlog Week and the topic is “Active vs Reactive Patients – We usually start as naïve and trusting patients, then at some point we realize we must take an active part in our own medical decisions…” 

Some of you may be reading this blog for the first time, as a result of #RA Blog Week, but there are others of you who are regular readers that don’t struggle with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), so I am going to talk today about something relevant to the #RABlog Week topic and to all of us: wisdom.

Perhaps there are a few exceptions out there, but for most of us, wisdom is not something we are born with. Take, in point, the story of ironing my doll clothes. 

I was about 10 years old and living in the tropics, and so wearing a bikini around the house wasn’t that unusual. My favorite doll Crissy, however, wanted to look a little fancier than I did. Alas, her dress was wrinkled. Being the daughter of a fashion queen (not just self-professed … my mother actually became a paid fashion and image consultant later in life), I knew that wearing wrinkled clothes just wouldn’t do. I told my mother, as she was walking out the door, that I would need to use the iron to take care of Crissy’s fashion crisis. 

Being the good mother she was, my mom told me to wait until she got back home. And being the (stubborn, disobedient) child I was, I completely ignored her instruction. Crissy’s dress was wrinkled. I was going to fix it. Period!

Don't Hide Your Light

“Men do not light a lamp and put it under a basket. They put it on a table so it gives light to all in the house. – Matthew 5:15 (NLT)

As I walked towards the recreation building, off to the side of the church, I noticed the sky. It had turned dark and I knew that it wouldn’t be long before it would open up and begin pouring buckets. There had been so much flooding in the area recently, and I knew that more storms might mean I wouldn’t get home. It didn’t matter, though. I needed to be there.

I entered the building, and an older lady greeted me with a smile. “Are you here to pray, or for the other meeting?” I told her I was there to pray, and she directed me to a table of women who already had their heads bowed.

I was new to the church and didn’t know what to expect. All I knew was that an hour beforehand, I had dropped my daughter off at her school bus stop, waited until she was on the bus safely, and then went home and sobbed. It was her first day of middle school, a day we had planned for all summer. Despite her nervousness, it was a day we were excited about. But it was not off to a good start.

Finding Perfection in the Imperfect

How can a mere mortal presume to stand up to God?  How can an ordinary person pretend to be guiltless? Why, even the moon has its flaws, even the stars aren’t perfect in God’s eyes – Job 25:4-5

Two years ago, when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, I would never have imagined myself saying the words that came out of my mouth last weekend.

“I am already living my dream, every day!”

I was standing in front of a table at a Christian writers conference, where an author and consultant was doing a prize drawing. All I had to do in order to enter was to write down my “big dream” on the paper covering the table.

I explained that I would have to think on it. As we chatted, I mentioned that I had several chronic illnesses, including RA. The consultant immediately jumped on it.

“Well, I’m sure that’s probably your big dream – to be healed!”

Even to my own surprise, I found myself replying, “Actually, no. That isn’t.”

If you’re a spoonie (someone who suffers from a chronic illness) like me, you’re probably sitting there with a look of disbelief on your face, as you read what I just wrote.

The Heart of a Father, the Heart of God (Guest Post)

Today, I am happy to introduce Terri Fullerton as my guest blogger. I met Terri at a Christian writers conference recently and her ability to see spiritual truth in everyday events is remarkable. 

Terri loves stories of redemption and things that are funny, and she encourages others toward hope and freedom. She also longs to share how big and loving God has been in her own life. When Terri is not writing or researching stories, she is often outside. She enjoys hiking, backpacking, traveling and photography. Terri is contributing writer at The Glorious Table, Life Letter Cafe, and Huffington Post Blog. 

The Heart of a Father, the Heart of God

In January of 1982 I stood frozen before the television as a breaking news report interrupted whatever show I’d been watching.  Shortly after takeoff from Washington, DC a plane bound for Florida hit the 14th Street Bridge in a winter storm and plummeted into the icy Potomac River.

There were six survivors, initially, clinging to the tail of the plane, a small island of hope in the freezing water. Emergency response teams arrived quickly, but access was limited by the river’s thick ice.

Releasing the Ghosts of the Past

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” Philippians 3:13 (NLT)

I hadn’t looked at my high school yearbooks in years. There was no need. That was then. This is now. I had moved on. Or so I thought.

As I reached up into the living room cabinet and took one down, I could feel the memories flooding back. Opening the cover, I could hear the spine crackling, as if the book was an ancient artifact, fragile from years of storage.

I felt a sense of dread come over me. Sure, there were some good times back then, but buried in that book were memories that haunted me right down to the core of my soul. These were not just a few bad moments. These were the kinds of ghosts that I had spent years trying to exorcise from my mind, the kinds that would keep me locked up in a prison of guilt and shame, remorse and regret.

Finding Hidden Treasures (aka Arthritis in your Armpits!)

“I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” – Isaiah 45:3

A few years ago, while on a camping trip with my daughter, I learned a new game called geocaching. Similar to a scavenger hunt, you use a global positioning system (GPS) to find a hidden “cache” of treasure. The difference between the two games, however, is that with geocaching, you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for. All you know is that it will be in a container of some kind, and that it will be located at certain coordinates on the GPS. The treasure itself is a surprise.

I have noticed, in my journey with God, that life can sometimes be like geocaching. We are looking for something – our purpose, a new direction, or perhaps a specific answer to prayer – but we aren’t sure exactly what we will find.

Confidence Crisis: Two-step or Trust?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

I stared at the article in front of me. The photo of a kayaker gliding across smooth open water towards the setting sun caught my eye. It wasn’t the beautiful picture holding my gaze, however. It was the words. The utterly…beautiful…words.

Every month, I look forward to the day Texas Highways magazine arrives in my mailbox. Unlike the numerous other magazines I subscribe to, which end up largely unread in stacks on my coffee table, this one almost always gets immediately devoured. I want every detail of its content…where to go, what to do, and how to get there. If the stories involve nature or food, even better. And if there is anything at all on kayaking, well, you know I’m going to read it!

Opening up the pages of my favorite travel magazine yesterday didn’t generate the usual excitement, though. In fact, reading it didn’t make me happy at all. Right there, in the middle of the page, was the most beautiful, poetic writing I had ever read. Its effect? A crisis of confidence. One as strong as the one I felt when I changed my college major, after comparing my high school art project to that of the art teacher’s protégé. If I have to compete with artists like that, I concluded, I will never make it!

If I look back at my career, I can see that every change I ever made began with a crisis of confidence. Can I manage to make these advertising deadlines, or should I become a teacher instead? Am I really inspiring these students, or should I go back into advertising? Can I make it in this job, or should I go out on my own? Can I make it on my own, or should I go back into the corporate world?

Two steps forward, one step back; back and forth, forth and back. Embarrassingly, this two-stepping pattern has been going on for decades.

Fortunately, most of the moves I have made over the past 15 years or so were ones that did indeed push me forward. But what about the moves that pushed me back? The ones in which I had dreams I cowered away from out of fear of failure? The ones in which I tiptoed into new territory, only to be frightened away by giants in the land who were bigger than me?

Even worse, how about the ones where I moved boldly in a new direction, staking my claim, announcing my new identity, only to be found floundering a few months or years into it… Then someone asks, “Hey, didn’t you say you were going to …?” Oh yeah, that. Um. Nevermind.

At church over the last few weeks, we have been studying the life of Abraham. What a man of faith. I wish I could say I was more like him. Unfortunately, I suspect I’m more like his wife.

“Ha ha ha, yeah, a baby at my age?? Mmm hmm … right,” she scoffed.

God didn’t like that too much.

I imagine he probably doesn’t like it too much when I scoff at His plans for me too.

“Ha ha ha, yeah, you want me to scale back my corporate writing to write more about You?  Mmm hmmm … right,” I scoff.

Just like Sarah had all of her facts lined up about why she didn’t need to get pregnant at age 80-something – uh, hello God, I already had a son through my maidservant, and in case you didn’t notice, I’m waaay past menopause and am not even sure me and Abe are up for “making it” happen! – I have all of my excuses ready for God too.

Um, hello God, don’t you see those other writers out there? Look at them! They are artists – I’m just a techie. They’re young, while I’m in the second half of life. And did you not notice my busy parenting schedule? Like I have all this extra time and energy to invest in a brand new career track…and did I mention needing income? C’mon, Lord, how is this going to work, anyway?

So often, we hear God calling, telling us how He wants to work through us. But just like Sarah must have felt when she was told she was really, finally going to bear a child, sometimes the prospect of God’s big dream-come-true plan is as scary as it is exciting. And so we scoff.

The longer I live, the more I pray to be less like Sarah and more like Abraham. He may have laughed when God told him he was going to have a son with Sarah – and no doubt, he was as shocked as she was – but he didn’t scoff. He had journeyed long enough with God to trust Him, and as a result, was able to laugh with delight at God’s promise.

It’s not as if Abraham had never had a crisis of confidence. Just as I zigzagged along in life, as a result of my own hesitations and lack of patience, Abraham too had moments where his faith waivered and he took matters into his own hands. And just like me, he found those decisions didn’t always end well. But God is good. He gives us second chances. This time, when God asked him to trust, Abraham decided to actually do it. If God wanted to use him, even with all of the limitations he and Sarah saw working against them, he would do what he was told and let God do the rest.

It comforts me to know the Bible is full of stories in which even the biggest heroes of the faith were used by God, despite their lack of confidence in themselves. They didn’t believe they could be used by God because they only saw themselves through human eyes. But God saw them through a much bigger lens.

God didn’t care that Sarah and Abraham were old, or that Moses had a speech impediment, or that Peter was just a fisherman. God used them all – ordinary people – for big, wonderful, God-glorifying things. A great nation. A freed people. The foundation of His church. All they had to do was trust His lead … and follow.

I heard someone once say that God doesn’t call us to the possible; He calls us to the impossible. Why? Because if it were easy, we could do it all by ourselves. God assignments are always bigger than we are.

Scoffing isn’t the answer. God is going to do what He is going to do, regardless of our attitude. It’s a matter of whether we’re going to go along with him kicking and screaming, like Jonah (we know how well THAT turned out) or if we’re going to go along like Abraham did, laughing with delight. We may have no clue as to how we are going to get to where God is taking us, but we might as well just get on board, buckle our seat belts and enjoy the ride.

I have a ways to go before my words look as beautiful on paper as the ones I read in Texas Highways. It may also take me awhile to reach all the people I’d like to share my God stories with. But that’s OK. It will happen. One day. And in between here and there, if I have a crisis of confidence, I’ll choose a different response than I have before. I may not fully believe in myself, but I can trust Him to believe in what He is doing in me. No more zigzagging down the journey of life. My two-stepping days are gone. Instead, I’ll just be trusting God to move me forward in this dance called life. He can lead. I will follow.

What are you trusting God for today? Do you believe in yourself? If not, can you trust in God to believe in you? What is holding you back from following where He is leading you?

Confidence Crisis: Two-step or Trust? originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

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