Time to Get Back on That Horse?

“I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.”
Philippians 4:13 NABRE

We had just arrived at the dude ranch for our family reunion and were checking in when the desk clerk, a friendly woman with a broad smile and long blonde hair flowing out from under her bedazzled black cowboy hat, asked the inevitable question: “Are you interested in riding today?”

The next trail ride was in 45 minutes and, given that it was 3:00 in the afternoon on a hot summer day in west Texas, no one had signed up yet. There were plenty of spots open. Was I interested? Yes. Would I be able to do it? That was the question.

The last time I had ridden a horse was seven months before, and to call it a pleasant experience would have been a stretch. My left knee, one of the joints I’ve had trouble with since the onset of my rheumatoid arthritis (RA), was not happy. Truthfully, it felt as if it were being twisted right off my leg. No matter how hard I tried to get comfortable, I couldn’t, and I pretty much decided that perhaps my riding days were over.

While I remember the physical pain I was in during that trail ride, what sticks in my mind the most was the disappointment I felt. With the way my knee was hurting, I was not planning to ever ride again, which made me sad.

I had been around horses my entire life, from the time my daddy sat me up on top of “Kate,” the old mare at my grandfather’s farm, when I was about three. My uncle was a Texas rancher, married to a professional cowgirl, and when I was in high school in England, my sister and I spent a lot of time at the nearby stables where we learned to jump. Even though riding had been only an occasional pastime for me as an adult, it was still something I loved to do when I had a chance.

So here I was, at a decision point. Could I accept the ride seven months beforehand as my last time on horseback or should I try again? Would I take a chance and get back on a horse, or would I sit it out?

13 Reasons Why {Not}

"So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you." - Isaiah 41:10

It was an ordinary Friday night. We had just gone to dinner as a family and were settling down in front of the TV, talking about what to watch.

"You should watch 13 Reasons Why, Mom," my daughter said. "It's really good!"

Curious about the show she had mentioned once before, I looked online to see if there was more information on it before making a decision. Why yes, there was. A whole lot of positive reviews for its direction and creativity, and a whole lot of talk from parents and psychologists expressing concern over the graphic content and messaging that was making suicide hotlines light up like Christmas trees.

If you don't have a tween or teen, you might not have heard of the latest show on Netflix, which is based on a novel in which a teenage girl commits suicide. The "13 reasons why" refer to 13 messages she left for individuals whose actions played a part in her decision to take her life.

I will be the first to tell you I haven't seen the show and I don't plan to. I will also say that the same night I learned about it, I took steps to adjust the parental controls on my TV and my daughter's cell phone.

There are some who think we as parents should watch the show "to understand what our teens face" in today's world. By all means, if you grew up in an untarnished, sheltered environment, perhaps this is the eye opener you need. Drinking, drugs, bullying and date rape...it's all there, graphically depicted (apparently).

But as for me, I haven't always lived in the light. I have touched that darkness - the despair, the depression, the shame, the hopelessness - and was almost swallowed up by it. I'm not going back. And I'm certainly not taking my 12-year-old back with me.

When I began writing this blog almost three years ago, it was to give people hope. Living with chronic illness is not easy. Depression is common, and suicide is not unheard of. When the pain feels like it will never end, when your life feels over, it is easy to give up. There are those who do. But I'm here to tell you - DON'T. 

I spent the first few months of this year in daily, intense pain from chronic migraines. If you have ever had a true migraine, you will know what I mean when I say it's not just a headache. At one point, during a trip to New York, I rocked back and forth on the bed, holding my head, crying and screaming, "Please help me. Somebody, help me!" Not long afterwards, I went into the bathroom and threw up, before crawling back into bed and finally passing out from the pain.

If ever there was a degree of physical pain that made me feel like giving up, it has been during episodes of severe migraine. I have literally felt like dying at times, because I thought I couldn't handle the pain even one more minute.

And yet, here I am.

Thankfully, God designed our bodies not to remember physical pain. I can tell you what happened, and generally how I felt, but I can't re-live the pain itself. Unfortunately, that isn't the case with emotional scars. Those wounds can sometimes take a lifetime to heal, and when they are reopened, they can hurt just as much as when the initial pain was inflicted.

When I am hurting physically, I may feel like dying, but when the pain goes away, life looks sunny again. It's easy to then see that "this too shall pass" because it really does. Even with chronic illness, there are moments when the pain dissipates enough to find moments of joy. It's important to look for those, because it helps you endure the rest of the time. Looking at my photos from New York, no one would ever know I had spent half the trip in pain, because the rest of the time, I was all smiles! Yes, there were a few of those pics where I was in "fake it 'til you make it" mode, but for the most part, I managed to salvage some really great moments that far outweighed the nightmare migraines I endured.

We have to be careful with emotional pain, though. I don't know who coined the phrase "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me," because that's just not true. Harsh words, coming from friends or family members, cut deep. We begin to believe what we hear, and wonder if we really are OK...or not. 

Our mistakes can hurt too. When I look back at my teen years and even into my 20's, it's easy to beat myself up over the many poor decisions I made. I may have changed my ways, but the consequences of those decisions didn't just disappear. There are so many times I have wished I could go back and have a "redo."

And sexual violence and abuse...well, that pain cut to the very core of who I was, and it took years of therapy for the flashbacks and nightmares to stop. I can still remember hands holding me down, then the hand placed over my mouth as I cried out in pain, ordered to "shut up!" because someone might hear; and the sting of my tears when it hit me that I was not a virgin anymore.

Night after night, for many years, I cried out to the Lord, "Why God, why?" I certainly could have come up with 13 good reasons to take my life. And yet, I did not. Growing up in the church, I was told suicide was the one unforgivable sin, because how can you confess killing yourself when you are already dead? I'm not sure that God in His infinite mercy wouldn't have forgiven me, but I do know that was not the only thing that kept me alive. 

The words spoken by God in Isaiah 41:10 are powerful. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you. Every moment of every day in which I have been in either physical or emotional pain, I have had to remember them. God will help me. God is with me. God will save me.

Despite my health situation, despite my poor choices, despite whatever bad things I have believed about myself, and despite the physical and psychological trauma I have experienced, I have held on to those promises: God will help me. God is with me. God will save me.

And you know what? He has.

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has a plan for us...a good one! The only way to find out about that plan, though, is to live it out. We have to wade through the mud, fight the battles, and allow God to cut away entanglements that hold us back, in order to reach the promised land He has for us. Sometimes it isn't easy. Sometimes, we aren't sure we are going to make it, or whether it's worth it. But it is. It always is. How do we know? Because He says so.

Back in my younger days, surrounded by darkness and not seeing much light ahead of me, I could have found 13 reasons why my life wasn't worth living. Today, looking back in hindsight, I can find 13 reasons - and more - that God wanted me to hold on for. 

If I were able to talk to my teenage self and tell her the 13 reasons why not to take her own life, here are what they would be:

1. God has a plan for you - a good one - and you will get to hold His hand through your entire journey, finding more comfort and joy, peace and love than you ever thought possible.

2. You may not realize it, but you're not alone. A lot of people look perfect on the outside, but their life is messy too. Even Jesus suffered through gossip, betrayal, pain and loss. He gets what you're going through.

3. You think if you were only "good enough" those people will like you. The truth is, some people won't like you even if you're the most wonderful person in the world. That's more about them than it is about you.

4. You think your pain is never going to end, but I promise it will. One day, you'll graduate. One day, you'll move (or they will). One day, you'll meet people who like you just the way you are. One day, your broken heart will heal. One day, you won't just notice the rain. You'll see the sunshine and notice the flowers too.

5. Your parents aren't perfect. Neither are you. Do the best you can to deal with them, the same way they are doing the best they can to deal with you. That whole parenting thing is as hard for them as it feels to you.

6. Everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them. Learn from them, but forgive yourself too. God loves you, warts and all, and the Bible is full of people who have screwed up but God used them anyway! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will eventually get where you need to be.

7. You may feel powerless, but God is all powerful. Give your biggest problems to Him, do the next right thing, and leave the results to Him.

8. That rape or physical abuse? No, it's not your fault and don't let anyone say otherwise. You didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it. Stop blaming yourself and get some help instead.

9. Just because "everybody's doing it" doesn't mean you need to. There are many miserable people in the world, doing things they know aren't right. Don't become one, just to fit in. Live your values and you'll keep your confidence.

10. There isn't any problem that an alcoholic drink or drug (or act of self-harm) won't make worse. And even if you feel better momentarily, there will be a hefty price to pay the next day or even further down the road. Reach out for help instead.

11. When God feels far away, remember who's moved. He is always there for you. Don't forget to reach up.

12. Don't be a victim of "stinking thinking." Fill your mind with positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people. You have to look beyond your problems to find the solutions.

13. Life is like a rose: it is full of petals and thorns. Yes, sometimes it's painful, but there's an awful lot of beauty there too. Count your blessings every day. A little gratitude can go a long way.

Had I not chosen to live through the pain of my early years, I hate to think what I would have missed later on: quiet sunrises, gorgeous sunsets, warm embraces, wildflowers in the spring, happy smiles and travel across the miles. Every day, there is something new to look forward to.

The world is tough and pain is real. Just don't forget whose you are, and who's got your back! God will help you. God is with you. God will save you...every time.

Peace, joy and love to you today,

Linda

13 Reasons Why {Not} originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' Thoughtful Thursday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart, and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. I also link up often with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace, as well as with Lori Schumaker.

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Doing Good in the Face of Evil

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” – Romans 12:9 (ESV)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about listening to the Holy Spirit for wisdom. In that post, I was referring to wisdom in the context of caring for ourselves. Today, I’m going to talk about it in a different context.

In James 1:5, the Bible says that if anyone asks God for wisdom, it will be given to him. Isn’t that a great promise? So how is it, then, that we are less than a month away from the U.S. election, and there are so many of us seeking wisdom, and yet we still don’t know what the right decision is with regards to voting?

One of the most life-changing Bible studies I have ever done is Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. In it, the authors discuss different ways in which God speaks to us: through the Bible, prayer, church, wise counsel, circumstances, and of course, through the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is filled with men and women who made poor choices, so we can’t look to them as examples of what we should or shouldn’t do. What we can do, however, is look at what God himself – through His encounter with Moses and through Jesus – tells us about His will for our lives.

Caring for Yourself ... Wisely

"Use wisdom, and it will take care of you. Love wisdom, and it will keep you safe."
- Proverbs 4:6 (ICB)

Today is Day 2 of #RABlog Week and the topic is “Active vs Reactive Patients – We usually start as naïve and trusting patients, then at some point we realize we must take an active part in our own medical decisions…” 

Some of you may be reading this blog for the first time, as a result of #RA Blog Week, but there are others of you who are regular readers that don’t struggle with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), so I am going to talk today about something relevant to the #RABlog Week topic and to all of us: wisdom.

Perhaps there are a few exceptions out there, but for most of us, wisdom is not something we are born with. Take, in point, the story of ironing my doll clothes. 

I was about 10 years old and living in the tropics, and so wearing a bikini around the house wasn’t that unusual. My favorite doll Crissy, however, wanted to look a little fancier than I did. Alas, her dress was wrinkled. Being the daughter of a fashion queen (not just self-professed … my mother actually became a paid fashion and image consultant later in life), I knew that wearing wrinkled clothes just wouldn’t do. I told my mother, as she was walking out the door, that I would need to use the iron to take care of Crissy’s fashion crisis. 

Being the good mother she was, my mom told me to wait until she got back home. And being the (stubborn, disobedient) child I was, I completely ignored her instruction. Crissy’s dress was wrinkled. I was going to fix it. Period!

When Saying Yes Means Saying No

"Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 19:19

“Come on, it will be fun!” she said. “We can drive up together!”

The invitation was tempting. I had already stepped out of my comfort zone, committing to a retreat that was still a couple of months away, all the while knowing that during this season of the year I am prone to chronic migraines. Nevertheless, I wanted to get to know a few of the women in my support group better, and it sounded like a fun way to do it.

The problem now, however, was that my new friend wanted to take it a step further. She wanted me to drive together to the retreat, almost two hours away, in one car. To many people, that – three or four women on a road trip together – would sound like a blast. But to me, it was terrifying.

How does one explain to someone what it’s like to live with the unpredictability of chronic illness? Even more so, living with multiple chronic illnesses? While some people will say “you don’t have to explain yourself,” I felt bad. I didn’t want to appear like I was rejecting my friend, or her offer. But I had been there before.

When Flood Waters Rise

“Though the rain comes in torrents, and the floods rise and the storm winds beat against his house, it won’t collapse, for it is built on rock.” – Matthew 7:25

It is day three of Houston’s Great Flood of 2016. The TV newscasts look the same. Picture upon picture, video upon video, of water. Everywhere. In the streets. In houses. In cars.

Flooding. It’s not a pretty picture.

Living on the Gulf Coast, we get used to it. We know, if we live near a bayou or creek, which roads will flood first and which will be the last to reopen. We know which highway underpasses to avoid. We also know, when we are looking for a new house, to ask whether it is in the 100-year flood plan.

We think we know it all. What to anticipate. What to watch for. Where to go and not go. Where to buy and not buy. What to do and not do.

Then it happens. The flood we never anticipated. No, not the 100-year flood event. The FIVE-hundred-year flood event. Uh, yeah, that one. THIS one.

This year, in this flood, I’m turning on the news and hearing stories I’ve never heard before. Stories that begin with, “It’s never flooded here…” coming from people who have lived in the same home for four or five decades.

After 40 or 50 years in the same place, people are being caught unaware, unprepared. They never thought it would happen to them.

So here I sit, surrounded by swollen creeks and water logged streets, pondering how similar this flooding is to life.

We never think it will happen to us, do we? That chronic illness. That job loss. That addiction. Whatever it is that we think only happens to other people.

And yet, here we are.

There is a reason Jesus shared the story of the house built on the solid rock versus the one built on sinking sand. He knows us too well.

Jesus knows that we most often go for what’s easy. What’s beautiful. That beachfront property on silky white sand, warm and wonderful to sink our toes into, just steps from the cool splashes of the ocean tide. It’s close to the action there. We can just breathe in everything around us. It’s so … mesmerizing.

We build the houses of our lives when the sun is shining and soft breezes feel refreshing on our skin. We aren’t thinking about the storms of life. Those won’t happen to us, we tell ourselves, and so we go ahead and throw our cares to the wind. We make choices based solely on the moment, instead of looking into the future and asking ourselves the all-important question, “What if?”

What if I get sick?
What if I get in a car accident?
What if I lost my job?
What if I do it once, and I can’t stop?
What if this relationship doesn’t end in marriage?
What if …?

One of my friends sells insurance, and I bet she asks people “What if …?” a hundred times a day. And I also bet she hears “That’s OK, I’ll take my chances” and “Aw, I doubt that will happen” in response more times than she can count.

But don’t we all say that, at one time or another?

Benjamin Franklin once said, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” Despite not knowing a single person who says they plan to fail, I know many of us have great testimonies of failures in our lives that are due to a lack of solid planning.

And yet, how many times do we encounter the truly unexpected? How do we plan for those times? Even the Bible, in Psalms 2, it says that all of our planning is sometimes for naught, because God is ultimately in control.

So, if we can’t really plan, what are we to do? The answer is simple. We prepare.

Even in the absence of evidence that we will face a hardship, preparing for one can mean the difference between damage and devastation.

Just like insurance can protect us from financial ruin, being spiritually prepared can protect us from personal ruin. If we’re smart, we won’t bank on a foundation of sand. Instead, we trust in a more solid foundation: Faith in Jesus Christ.

When I am prayed up and grounded in God’s Word, I can be fully prepared for whatever comes my way. Why? Because my Bible doesn’t leave my “if” questions unanswered.

If I lose my job, then I will not panic because I know God has a plan for me and it is good (Jeremiah 29:11). 

If I become ill, then I know that God can restore my health in this life (Psalm 41:3) or the next (2 Corinthians 5:2). 

If I suffer a financial loss, then I will not worry about going hungry because I know that God is my provider (Psalm 147:9). 

If I encounter temptation, then I can stand firm knowing that God will provide an escape from it (I Corinthians 10:13). 

If I am faced with a hard decision and need wisdom, then I can pray and know God will give it to me (James 1:5). 

If I make a mistake, then I know I can find forgiveness and I am covered by God’s grace (Ephesians 2:8-9). 

If I am rejected, then I can still hold my head high knowing that God has an even greater love for me (John 3:16). 

Even if I am facing death, then I will not need to be afraid because I know that nothing can separate me from God’s love (Romans 8:38-39).

None of us know what lies ahead. No one can “plan” for the next 500-year flooding event. From what I have seen this week, however, I bet more will be prepared.

I want to one of those prepared. Not just for floods. For life. I’m building my house on the Rock. How about you?

What events in your life have hit you unexpectedly? Were you prepared to deal with them? How can you shore up your spiritual foundation so that you’re better prepared to face any future storms that come your way?

When Flood Waters Rise originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace.

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At the Crossroads: Go This Way!

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.” – Isaiah 30:21 (VOICE)

It was a rough night. I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. My head was aching and my heart was pounding, as the thoughts continued to whirl around in my mind. “Give me peace, Lord,” I prayed, but peace wasn’t to come. Deep inside me, a battle was raging. A battle between truth and deception. A struggle to discern what was right, and ultimately, which way to go.

Crossroads in life are rarely comfortable. I’m not talking about the easy, yes-no decisions we make every day. I’m talking about the hard ones. The ones that come with a cost, especially if you make a mistake. The ones that can be gut wrenching and keep you up at night.

There I was, at a crossroads, again.

I don’t like these places. They scare me. I want the facts to be clear, the decision cut and dried, the answer to be easy. But that’s rarely the case, is it?

So often, those crossroads moments sneak up on us. A sideways glance. A nagging feeling here and there. A piece of evidence that doesn’t add up.

Pretty soon, though, those little pieces of evidence start to pile up in front of us. Like a jigsaw puzzle coming together, we start to see a bigger picture.

The problem is when the picture we are seeing now isn’t the picture we saw before.

Did the puzzle pieces come from the same box? Did I get it wrong from the start? Or did I jump into an unfinished canvas, and the artist changed course midstream? 

“Give me wisdom,” I prayed.

I knew God would answer that prayer. 

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” – James 1:15

As the sun arose over my sleepless night, I got up, determined to validate what I knew in my heart. I searched for knowledge and found it readily. I prayed for discernment and was able to sift fact from fiction. I prayed for wisdom, and found confirmation and validation for all I had been seeing and hearing and feeling for weeks, months, and possibly years.

But the crossroads was still there in front of me.

What do we do with knowledge and wisdom, once we have it in hand? How do we know which way to go?

One of the truths I was reminded of recently was that prayer was never designed to be a speech, but rather a conversation. Yes, it’s a time to share our hearts with the Lord. But it’s also a time to listen.

The prophets knew what it was to be at a crossroads, to be facing big challenges that required big decisions. At one of those crossroads, the prophet Elijah discovered something remarkable. 

As he stood on a mountaintop, weighted down with despair and trying to decide whether to live or die, hide or fight for his faith, he waited for the Lord. Scripture says that when the Lord passed by, there was a raging wind, a powerful earthquake and a blazing fire.

After Moses encountered God in the burning bush, Elijah probably expected to find Him there in one of those big, obvious signs, just as we want Him (and His answers) to appear to us in neon lights. There would be no mistaking it, then! And yet, the Bible says Elijah did not find Him there.

After the wind, after the earthquake, after the fire … came a still, small voice. Elijah was still. He was listening. And he heard it. The voice of God. Telling him what he needed to hear: which way to go.

Two hundred years later, God told Isaiah to remind the people of this truth.

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.” – Isaiah 30:21

He reminds us to listen for His voice.

His voice, the passage says, lines up with His commandments. We can find His still, small voice through scripture.

His voice was heard through the mouths of the prophets. We can find His still, small voice through the wise counsel of biblically grounded Christians.

His voice was heard in the quiet. We can find His still, small voice through prayer.

His voice is sweet. We can recognize it by the love it conveys and the peace it brings to our hearts.

Today, my path is clear. I am no longer at a crossroads. I have heard the voice of the Lord saying “Go this way!” and I am traveling in that direction. I don’t have all the answers, and don’t know the final destination on this particular avenue of my life. But I know I am going the right way. All the signs point in that direction. And I have peace, knowing the Lord is behind me, charting my path, whispering “go!”


What big decisions are you facing? Have you prayed for wisdom and discernment? Have you sought out God’s still, small voice? Where is He calling you to go today?

At the Crossroads: Go This Way! originally appeared on Spring Sight blog, by Linda W. Perkins. Click here for more posts. Get even more encouragement by following me on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. 

Many of Spring Sight's posts can also be found each week on Crystal Storms' #IntentionalTuesday,  Kelly Balarie's #RaRaLinkUp, Holly Barrett's Testimony Tuesday, Arabah Joy's Grace & Truth, Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart,  and Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. This week, I am also linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and Dawn at Journeys in Grace.

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